Randy Andy's House of Nostalgia

I Hate Daisy Duck

2012-02-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me know that I think Daisy Duck is a monstrous smelly cunt who I'd like to run over and over with my car.

But where does this searing hatred stem from? The simple answer would, of course, be that she's a bitch. But amongst Disney's stable of idiotic but well-meaning characters, she stands out as a completely unstable basketcase; a danger to both herself and others.

To the unseeing eye, Daisy is just another two dimensional "girlfriend" character. Doll up Mickey with a bow and dress and blam, you have Minnie. It followed that Donald deserved a similar treatment. Bow, dress, badda-bing, Daisy is the Yin to Donald's Yang.

But behind this fowl's foul mouth and temptress eyes lurked the mind of a monster...

In 1947's Donald's Dilemma, Donald suffers from amnesia and, for whatever reason, becomes a swingin' crooner who the ladies just love!

In a fit of rage and jealousy, Daisy spins through half a dozen psychological disorders, ranging from anorexia, insomnia, self-described insanity, and even threatens suicide.

Her other appearances in those early shorts feature Daisy flying off the handle in a drama queen meltdown that would make Donald's temper tantrums look like a mild rise in blood pressure. He's often portrayed so anxious around her that he even went so far as to join the French Foreign Legion in 1954's Donald's Diary.

Her mood swings, ability to make others uncomfortable, and psychological ailments combine together to make her the most evil and vindictive sociopath this side of Charles Manson.

Worse, I doubt poor Donald gets any. Looks like he'll have to take care of business himself...

Face of the Enemy

2012-01-15T09:10:00.001-08:00

A hero is nothing without a great villain. This goes double for super heroes and super villains. Where one is an exaggerated archetype, their foil must be all the more shitballs crazy.

Cartoon villains definitely fall into the latter category, boasting some ridiculously over-the-top goals of world (and sometimes universe) domination. But there's a sub-category of these villains who, for reasons all their own, remain even more shadowy and mysterious but means of hiding their faces.

Granted, this is a lazy writer's dream. If you can't see their face, you don't have to worry about humanizing them or giving them motivations since they're obviously pure, pure evil. Glossing over that, it's also really sexy never knowing what they look like. What are they hiding? Are they all gross and disfigured under that mask? Or are they just hiding their general inadequacies?

Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe started off as the most intriguing of these villains once the curtain was pulled back, it was a massive WTF moment.

Once the harshly-voiced leader of the terrorist organization known as Cobra, the good commander here was relegated to a whiny, scheming background character by his usurper, Serpentor. Even later in the often-maligned G.I. Joe: The Movie, it was revealed he was a member of an ancient race of snake people named Cobra-La who sent Cobra Commander out to conquer the Earth and make way for their eventual invasion.

Failing that, Cobra-La's leader, Globulus, mutated Cobra Commander into an even weirder-looking salamander who kept hissing "I wasss onccce a maaan!" until he eventually turned into a snake and slithered off. Annoying and unfortunate end for this masked man of mystery.

Although Hordak was She-Ra's main antagonist, poor Hordak took his marching orders from his older brother, Horde Prime. Horde Prime was usually holed up on his throne world or flagship, the Velvet Glove, but sometimes, just sometimes, he'd make a totally bad ass appearance.

Or lack thereof to be specific. Always hidden by thick black smoke, the only part of him we ever saw was one helluva huge metallic hand. His gravelly voice would made the smoke glow green and, to be honest, he scared the sweet fuck out of me when I was a kid. It's not so much that I liked Hordak having to answer to someone higher but it was just that freaky robotic hand! Loved it. Feared it. Respected it.

His face was never seen (except one very weird interpretation in a British magazine) but his action figure in the current Masters of the Universe Classics toyline plans to reveal his face this Spring. Stay tuned, kids!

The ruler of a crime syndicate named M.A.D. (not to be confused with the anti-drunk driving moms), Dr. Claw was a constant thorn in Inspector Gadget's side. If the poor inspector knew what was going on half the time anyway.

Similar to Horde Prime, all we could ever see of Dr. Claw was the back of his chair, his spiked gauntlet, and his ever-present cat/mascot, MAD Cat who he either pets or barely squishes when plans go awry.

His action figure also dropped the ball when it showed his true face. It wasn't clear whether it was just a bad sculpt, he was mangled in an accident, or his parents were brother and sister. In any case, it was a major disappointment.

To counterpoint the cuteness of the Care Bears, their villain No Heart was one bad mo' fo'. Draped in purple robes and a hood that concealed his face, we could at least tell that he had blue skin and eyebrows. And some freaky red eyes.

Remarkably lazy when taking care of business, he sent his dumb ass bumbling henchman Beastly to do all the leg work. Naturally, you send a furball to do all your evil whims, it's bound to end in failure. No wonder he couldn't kill a few dozen teddy bears...

Poor Zoltar from Battle of the Planets might have led the armies of Spectra but he was just a middle man. Taking his marching orders from "The Luminous One," he'd always get one-upped by a bunch of dumb kids in bird-like space suits.

He had no real reason to hide his identity but he had one sexy chin and was a snappy dresser to boot. So maybe his association with the Spectran army was a "Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell" kind of deal.

There are plenty more masked villains, oftentimes from the same shows listed above, but these are among my favorites for their style, elusiveness, whacked-out voices, and keeping the mystery alive!

Care Bears I Can Understand

2012-01-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

Even as a kid, I just couldn't get behind them. I mean sure, they had a colorful cast, whacky hijinks, shot concussive laser blasts from their stomachs. But it was just so phony. Their entire existence was spent making you care? Fuck off.

While mulling over them today, I realized that they could easily be updated to cater to jaded, broken souls such as my own.

Truth be told, Tenderheart Bear always creeped me out. The de facto leader of the Care Bears, his cartoon voice sent shivers up my spine and he always seemed to have ulterior motives. What better way to give him an edgy update than make him Pedobear Bear! Hide your wee ones!

Grumpy Bear was easily my favorite because at least he wore his emotions on his sleeve. You piss him off? Oh you bet your sweet ass he'll tell you right where to go. But where is this unresolved anger coming from? Well, given that rotund belly of his, my best guess is he just eats his feelings. So let's slap a golden arch right on there. "I'm lovin' it!"

Good Luck Bear gave you good luck with his four leaf clover belly symbol thing. But this clearly implies he's Irish with therefore implies that he's a mean drunks. Cheers to you, lad!

Cheer Bear was one bitch I just wanted to punch in the face. She was just so damn... cheery! Since her symbol was a rainbow, let's put her to work and spread cheer and pride! Gay Pride that is. Someone get this dyke a bike!

Bedtime Bear was chronically tired. Suspiciously so. I mean sure, we all get run down but he just look it to a whole other level. Clearly, he's been dabbling in prescription "sleeping aids" so let's make him the spokesbear for Lunesta and call it a night.

Speaking of substance abuse, Funshine Bear was one hardcore party girl! She was always on fire, always up for a good time, always wide-eyed and ready to roll. See this this is going? I think you've got a little... yeah, under your nose, just... Yeah, I think you got it.

It's truly, truly SOMEthing alright...

2012-01-05T07:51:00.000-08:00

Shout! Factory has unviled the cover for Jem & the Holograms Season 2 on DVD which will hit stores on February 14th, 2012. If anyone knows me, I'd much rather a Jem marathon over flowers any day. Just sayin'.

That said, Jem looks a little... errr...

Well, here's the cover. And a picutre of Angelyne the Billboard Queen beside it. I'm not saying anything per se because there's no need to.

Poor Swifty

2011-12-08T17:10:00.000-08:00

From Childhood to Cheetara

2011-11-26T11:14:00.001-08:00

The season one finale of Cartoon Network's new ThunderCats series, "Between Brothers," aired last night and I gotta say I'm a lot more satisfied with it than I've been of many of the episodes so far.

Easter eggs dropped throughout the first season finally hatched, while leaving more questions unanswered. Despite many episodes appearing to be throwaways, there does seem to be some master plan and method to the madness.

Oh yeah, and spoilers ahoy, kids.

As the title of the episode suggests, we got lots of grudge matches!

The sibling rivalry between Lion-O and Tygra finally comes to a head in the Astral Plane where Mumm-Ra finally does more than stand around spewing nonsense and brings out the brothers' angst towards each other... especially Tygra who despite being better at, well, everything, is always been overshadowed by this little brother, the heir Lion-O.

Similarly, former brothers-in-arms Panthro and Grune finally get their long overdue slugfest which was easily the highlight of the episode.

The series finale also ties together some of the more questionable episodes such as the senile elephants' Treebeard-esque cavalry to the rescue and Lion-O finally showing off some of his sword skills from "The Duelist and the Drifter."

All that said, however, ThunderCats is still juggling a lot of balls in the air and we're left with tons of questions unanswered. The first two episodes alone suggested the ThunderCat civilization were a bunch of assholes and the episode "Legacy" further cements this, suggesting that the Cats were originally a higher class of slaves of Mumm-Ra's alongside several other anthropomorphic races. What the hell happened to them? How did they get free and capture Mumm-Ra? How did the ThunderCats come out on top to rule Third Earth undisputed?

On top of Jaga's spirit still floating around, now we can add Grune (accompanied by Panthro's forearms) to the list of MIAs.

WillyKit and WillyKat are still on the hunt for some lost city of treasures... maybe that will come up in season two? Or just drop off the wayside?

And what's the deal with these damn jewels that everyone's hunting for? Weren't they looking for the Book of Omens or... other ThunderCat survivors or...? Hell, I don't know half the time. I doubt they even know what they're doing cruising all around in the ThunderTank.

At least one very big loose end got tied up in the last few seconds. Since the original series, Cheetara's choice of bedfellow has always been a hot debate amongst fans. Being the sole female (of consenting age anyway), she naturally had to be banging at least one of her comrades. Depending on the media, she hasn't been too fickle.

She may have chosen her mate based off of late-coming information and throwing red herrings all season by being overly flirtatious with poor Lion-O but, at long last, Tygra comes out on top and gets to pet the best pussy in Cartoon Land!

Although the reasoning was very sweet, let's be realistic; Cheetara likes the bad boys. Who doesn't?

Overall, I want to love this series. I'm very apologetic and forgiving of boring, nonsensical episodes. And it's hard sometimes, it really is! But to be fair, as a whole, season one dropped some fun bombs on us, raised a lot of questions, and is slowly building up what could be a really great epic. We just need to have a little patience and see what season two brings.

My guess? More fur-flying action and hopefully my crush, Bengali!

Cheetara and Self-Image

2011-11-18T09:14:00.001-08:00

Eat a sandwich, girl!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Weirdest of the Weird

2011-11-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

It's my 100th post on this site so I decided to do something I had wanted to do for a long time: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' weirdest action figures!

No question, the Nineties belonged to the Turtles. The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers gave them stiff competition but in terms of cartoon, merchandise, and cross-promotion might, there was no contest.

Amidst this wild success, Playmates Toys was tasked with bombarding toy aisles with TMNT goodness. Was it all gold? Mmmreh...?

Muckman and Joe Eyball were both a hot mess and testament to the designers' sculpting.

In the cartoon series, two garbage men were exposed to mutagen while near a pile of garbage. Ergo, Muckman transformed into a walking, stinking junk heap while his buddy became a little green dude with prehensile eyeballs.

The details on Muckman's sculpt were pretty incredible considering the mass production mentality of the time. Random bits of trash were littered all over him and when you poured slime in his back, it would gush out of his mouth. Gross but oh-so-awesome.

Mutagen Man was another poor victim of mutagen gone awry.

A mailman who fell into a vat of mutagen, he transformed into a pile of guts. Shredder and Krang built him a giant suit to house it all and the effect was akin to an aquarium of floating organs.

Better yet, he came with extra organs so when you filled his action figure with water, they would float around in there!

Also, his big blue eyes looking in different directions was deeply unnerving.

The Turtles loved pizza. It was stated ad nauseum to the point where I refused to eat pizza for a year or two there.

Naturally, cartoon writers and toy designers decided to turn the Turtles' love of pizza against them. Enter: Pizza Face!

No, he wasn't a teenaged boy who shot puss from his acne-riddled face, it was a big, fat Guido with a stumped leg... and a pizza box attached to said leg. He came with pizza discs he could throw at his enemies and also a shield made of what looked like dried tomato sauce.

For serious. There aren't enough drugs on Earth to help me make this shit up.

Truth be told, I had Scumbug and I loved him. I still love him and want him for my office to freak out that bitch cleaning lady who keeps rearranging my other toys every night.

As with most of the freaks from TMNT, Scumbug's mutation carried an ironic twist. He was an exterminator who became the very thing he hunted.

Trippy.

His stupid and obvious backstory aside, he was just rad. Between his tied-up antennae, bug spray gun, tubes that stick right into his chest, and spring-loaded jaw, he was just all around amazeballs.

A little history lesson on this one. When ToyBiz publicly let it slip that they had no intentions of producing female characters after Storm in their popular X-Men line, parents and collectors cried fowl and created a sub-market specifically for women action figures. Playmates Toys led the charge with their Star Trek: The Next Generation and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys.

Although the Turtles didn't have all that many chicks to choose from, they did churn out all sorts of questionable April O'Neil toys. Easily the worst of the bunch was April the Ravishing Reporter.

With bad rooted hair (a la Barbie), the bio card on the back of the packaging suggested she was a real dangerous beauty. The clothes suggest otherwise, however, and it's pretty clear that this was April dressed undercover as a hooker for a news story. Or maybe it wasn't a cover and she was just moonlighting to pay the bills.

Wingnut and Screwloose were in the same team-up vein as Muckman and Joe Eyeball. This time, however, it was two guys who were an alien vampire bat and Huanu mosquito.

Only, y'know, not as slim and trim.

Bloodsuckers alike, they actually counted themselves amongst the good guys, armed with metal wings, bat-themed grenades, the whole weirdly-themed shebang. With all the weapons and color scheme, he was clearly an homage (or dig) at Batman. A really fat, really ugly Batman. And for that reason alone, I love him.

Mondo Gecko arrived early in the TMNT line and was a mainstay in the cartoon as well.

This ain't the Geico Gecko either, this tubular Turtle pal had the same annoying surfer talk as the rest of the Turtles with all the over-the-top Nineties attitude that producers seemed to think everyone loved.

Dressed in skater garb that would make a Valley girl, like, totally barf, he came with a bitchin' diesel-powered skateboard that made him go so fast that his tongue somehow came right through his clenched teeth and flapped along the left side of his face.

Radical.

I don't actually remember Monty Moose, most likely because he was released during the dying days of the toyline.

But for pure patriotism's sake, I had to put him on this list. That said, despite standing alongside mutated reptiles, bugs, and hookers, he just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the line.

Maybe as a character who was both moose and Mountie (also teamed up with a sidekick named Bob the Beaver), he was so Canadian it was sickening. Maybe Playmates was so desperate for new characters, they'd tap any wild idea brought to the table. Either way, he stuck out like, well, antlers atop a Mountie hat.

The four Turtles themselves had such a vast and sheer silly number of variations that it could be an epic article all itself.

Crazy Clown Mike, however, should, nay, deserves to be on this list! From the "Bodacious Birthday" subset, all four Turtles were decked out to battle... evil birthdays or... something...

Whatever, this is just plain retarded. He comes with what looks like Princess Leia's hair, creepy stick legs, and a red nose affixed to... I don't know, he has no nose to speak of. This makes me angry. Next!

Wyrm was also a late addition to the cast. Despite being a mutant flatworm, he had arms and legs. Well, two arms, one leg, and one worm-like appendage. At least I hope it's meant to be his leg!

Apparently he was the pal of Muckman and arch-nemesis of Scumbug although I'm not sure what the connections were. Perhaps each was in contest with the other over having the most flamboyantly horrible color scheme? Worst smell? Whatever, I'm getting bored with this trail of questioning.

In short, this is but the tip of the proverbial iceberg with the weird and wonderful world of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys. Despite being cash cows for the Turtles machine, I gotta admit they were still fun, playable, and inspired. Turtle Power!

Go Team De Longpre!

2011-10-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching Fox's new Sunday animated attempt Allen Gregory and while it had it's funny moments (post-Katrina anyone), I couldn't help feel that I recognized half the cast...

Oh yeah, that's because it's the Venture Bros.

I mean sure, hydrocephalic man-boy Billy Quizboy might be a bit older than Allen Gregory but they sound almost identical and it's like looking into the future.

Even more so, Allen Gregory's father, Richard De Longpre is practically the same person as Rusty Venture, just without the goatee and speed suit.

And in a creepy move, Richard's maybe straight life partner, Justin, looks oddly like Rusty's father Jonas Venture only a worse dresser.

The point of this exercise? Nothing really, I just feel the need to point out Fox's plagiarism whenever I can.

The Great Bear Affair

2011-10-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

ThunderCats finally returns this Friday after a brief hiatus in an episode called "Berbils." Despite being teased in the pilot episode, I cringed when I found out that the Berbils would show their cold, lifeless faces in this new series.

Then the other paw dropped this morning when TV Guide released the first image of Ro-Bear Berbil this morning.

This got me thinking of other ridiculously annoying bear cartoon characters. Don't get me wrong, I love bears. I fantasize about bear/shark/velociraptor death matches almost daily. But the use of bears as cutesy hats off to a child's love for his or her teddy bear in order to sell whatever show producers are peddling is an old and disgusting practice. Case in point? These assholes.

Truth be told, regardless of my love of the vintage ThunderCats, it was one hot mess. Third Earth was populated by any number of weird creatures and the Berbils might have taken the cake.

Robotic (yet fuzzy) bears with synthetic voices and the usefulness of a tit, they were constantly bullied by the other denizens of Third Earth. Time and again, it was the ThunderCats who had to leap to their rescue and then listen in to their pedantic squabbles.

All in all, any episode of ThunderCats that involve Berbils is one to avoid. Here's hoping Friday's reminagined Berbils buck that trend.

When Teddy Ruxpin stormed on the scene, everyone wanted him. Everyone. He was one of the first toys to capitalize on the state-of-the art technology known as "cassette tapes" (those were iPods in the Eighties, kids). Essentially, you'd plug a tape in Teddy's back and his mouth would move along with whatever the tape was playing.

It was awesome, trust me.

But what's a hot-as-shit toy without a corresponding commercial? Wait, I mean television show. Same diff back then. What came out was The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, an odd mix of caring, sharing, and other vomit-inducing drivel. Oddly enough, Teddy's nemesis was the Monsters and Villains Organization (MAVO) who were legit scary as fuck. It was an odd juxtaposition that just made the show all the more confusing.

In short? Go to hell, Teddy Ruxpin.

I know I'll get flack for this but the Care Bears were a marketing behemoth that should never have been.

Originally conceived of as stuffed animals and greeting cards from Hallmark, their popularity warranted their own series of television shows and movies.

Once again, the concept on its own was kinda cute and highly collectible. But hiring writers to try and come up with some kind of serialized plot each week was just painful.

Even though they were hellbent on hugging it out, each Care Bear was also armed with a "Care Bear Stare." Basically, their stomach symbols shot concussive laser blasts that would make you care whether you liked it or not, dammit!

Mixed messages much?

Another cult favorite that people will hate me for dogging are Disney's Gummi Bears. I can't quite decide what is it specifically that annoyed me. Perhaps I was just such a diehard Tailspin and Darkwing Duck fan that I didn't have room in my heart for the Gummi Bears. It could be that they had names like Zummi, Grammi, Tummi, and Cubbi. Maybe I just thought that Sunni was a huge slut.

In any case, if their catchy theme song came on TV, I couldn't run to change the channel fast enough.

The biggest perpetrator of bear marketing machines run amok is none other than Return of the Jedi's Ewoks. Yes, those cowled little furballs who somehow toppled the military machine of the Empire with little more than rocks and sticks were glaring examples of how we were all just here to make George Lucas a rich bitch.

Aside from selling action figures, stuffed toys, collector glasses, and anything else an Ewok could be slapped on, they also spawned their own spinoff cartoon series and two movies of their own! They were a money-making monsters and if you have one, you're part of the problem.

Cute? Cuddly? Have the potential to be bought for exorbitant amounts of money and taken to bed with you? You betcha. And if you love 'em, well you've been had my friend.

So just bend over, put your money on the dresser, grin, and bear it!

Gumboogle!

2011-10-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

It would be nigh impossible not to hop on Google each day but today was an extra pleasant surprise, not seen since Pac-Man's playable game.

To commemorate what would have been his 90th birthday, Art Clokey's most famous creation, Gumby, has taken center stage as today's Google Doodle.

If you click on Gumby, Pokey, Prickle, Goo, or their mortal nemeses, the Blockheads, they'll jump around in a hellfire of Play-Doh!

I gotta admit, I'm having a hard time actually looking for anything online since I'm too busy watching Pokey's legs stretch.

In any case, happy birthday Art Clokey!

The X-Men are Complete... Sortof.

2011-09-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

As I first spazzed over in my last post, the images featuring Cyclops and Wolverine's two new (and separate) X-teams in the upcoming Regenesis storyline is complete!

Looks like Cyclops is alive and well, headlining Uncanny X-Men alongside Emma and Magneto while Wolverine is joined by Rogue, Beast, Gambit, and Cyclops' daughter Rachel Summers.

To be honest, this is very reminiscent of the 1990's split between the X-men where they broke into Gold and Blue teams. Blue having all the sexy and cool characters while Gold had... everyone else.

I'm no fan of the over-saturated Wolverine but he's got the best toys, hands down. The one interesting element is Psylocke who appears in both images: in adjectiveless X-Men as well as Uncanny X-Force. X-Force of course is the super secret black ops team that no one even knows about so it might be fun to watch poor Betsy begrudgingly straddle the fence.

Overall? Meh. This smacks of a marketing scheme and I'm too pumped over DC Comics' New 52 to be bothered buying eight damn books just to see talking heads spew on about how hard and, like, stressful and junk it is to be in a splintered team.

Cool idea, Marvel. But no sale.

Cyclops and Wolverine Split the X-Men in Half

2011-08-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you know it? The minute I stop reading the X-Men, it gets good.

Let's set the stage here for a moment. Currently in Marvel's X-Men comics, the mutant race is near extinction. Professor X and Magneto and have taken a step back to finally allow their golden boy, Cyclops, to become the surviving mutants' general. Allies and adversaries alike are flocking to his cause and his chief lieutenant is Wolverine.

Wolvie's been a bad boy as of late, however. Leading X-Force, he belongs to a secret team that quietly but violently snuffs out the X-Men's adversaries away from public eye. Originally endorsed by Cyclops, Wolvie and company have been going renegade since.

This summer's big X-event (that I'm bowing out from) is called Schism. Although the hows and whys are still vague, apparently Wolverine and Cyclops will finally have a falling out SO epic that they'll split the X-Men into two teams. The mutants' flagship book, Uncanny X-Men, will be cancelled and in its wake, a new Uncanny as well as Wolverine & the X-Men will come back to kick off Regenesis, a theme that will encompass all the X-family of titles.

Marvel has slowly been unveiling teaser covers the past few weeks to the books, featuring a blacked-out cast and only one character colored in. With the last two being shown last night, I finally realized it's a puzzle that I haphazardly smushed together.

Team Cyclops encompasses Uncanny X-Men, X-Men, New Mutants, and Generation Hope. The fact that Cyclops himself isn't there...? Well, it doesn't bode well for poor Cyke's fate at the end of Schism.

Cyclops' honey, Emma Frost, is of course front and centre alongside Jubilee, an alternate universe Cable, and Sebastian Shaw, a villain that Emma recently mind-wiped. Weird.

You can also sorta kinda see Juggernaut, Sunspot, Warlock, and Hope. Watch out for Hope. She's the Mutant Messiah with the same red hair and green eyes of a certain X-Man who has a tendency to rise from her own ashes.

Team Wolverine encompasses Wolverine & the X-Men, Uncanny X-Force, X-Men: Legacy, and X-Factor.

In there we can see the lil' Canucklehead himself, another alternate universe refugee Nightcrawler, Rogue, and Cyclops' brother Havok.

X-Force shows Psylocke, Deadpool, Nemesis, and Fantomex while the rest are kinda vague and blurry.

Clearly, Wolverine has the best toys but I'd still follow Emma to Hell and back since she's got front row seats.

So who's side are you on? Team Cyclops or Team Wolverine?

Oh, and big thanks to IGN for collecting all the teasers!

Sue Blu and You

2011-08-23T19:33:00.001-07:00

When you've watched as many old cartoons as I have, you tend to pick up on when you've heard the same voice over and over again. In any given era, there's probably only a small group of voice actors who bounce around from one show to the next (See Phil LaMarr or Cree Summer who've played every single Black cartoon character for the past fifteen years).

While watching the first season of Bravestarr, the female lead's voice kept nagging at me until I took to the interwebs and discovered it was none other than voice actress Susan Blu.

Blu is best known for her work as the Transformers' first lady, Arcee, in the original Transformers movie and seasons three and four of the show.

One actor voicing several characters is common practice in animation and Transformers was no exception. Blu also filled in as Marrisa Fairborne, the daughter of Flint and Lady Jaye of the Transformers' sister show, G.I. Joe.

Blu would reprise her role as Arcee in Transformers: Animated and although she never picked up where the pink lil' bot popped up, she was the voice director for nearly every spin-off of the Transformers franchise, including the current series, Transformers: Prime where her beloved Arcee is an integral character.

Blu performed double duty on the aforementioned Bravestarr as well. She voiced both the female lead/love interest to Marshall Bravestarr, Judge J.B. McBride, and also the femme fatale, Vipra.

Judge J.B. was an odd duck for the Eighties as she wore, well, a lot of clothes and was actually not a kidnappee plot device. Although super sexy for a snake woman, Vipra didn't fare as well, relegated to villainous oaf with a great rack.

Although Smurfette is best known as the only female Smurf/dried-up whore in the village, there were actually two others.

Sassette was the young ginger tomboy while Nanny Smurf was a later addition to the cast and was, again, voiced by Susan Blu.

I always envisioned Nanny Smurf to be the original town hooker who had to retire and become Smurfette's madame. Made sense to me. And it still does.

Blu didn't just play with the boys, however. With several shows boasting mostly female characters, she was quick to jump on the My Little Pony wagon, voicing Paradise, Phluma, AND Buttons!

Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't do the voices for more ponies... they all sounded like estrogen-infused munchkins who just sucked on a helium tank...

Jem & the Holograms were also a place where Blu briefly called home. There, she voiced Stormer, the only sympathetic character from the band of bitches, the Misfits.

She also played the recurring character Lindsay Pierce (sometimes known as Lind-Z), who was a big-haired entertainment reporter and gal-pal to Jem.

Lastly, she was the voice of Galadria from one of my favorite (but extremely short-lived) shows, Visionaries. Bleak and dystopian, Visionaries wasn't a feel-good show but it did sport some wicked toys. Each character had an animal totem on their chest that they could transform into.

While the men enjoyed becoming lions and tigers and bears (oh, my!), the ladies were sunk. Literally. The villainous Virulina was a bad ass shark while Susan Blu's character, Galadria, was a lame dolphin.

Fail.

On top of voice action, Blu has been a voice director for Spider Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and The Tick to name a few. She also patented the "Sue Blu" technique of improvising popular with today's voice talents.

Maybe I'm gushing a little bit here but I think she's pretty damn rad and my hat's off to you, Sue!

Shreddies Toy Threaddies

2011-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, bleary-eyed and pre-coffee, I was pouring my cereal into a bowl when something popped out of the box and BLAM, landed right into my pile of Corn Flakes.

I picked up the hidden treasure to find it was an All Bran bar. A cross-promotion to rope you into buying some more supposedly healthy products owned by General Mills.

Framed by dried flakes, my mortality was staring me in the face. I looked down at this plastic wrapped bran bar and secretly wished it was a cheaply-painted toy instead of a reminder to worry about my regularity.

Disappointed and nostalgic, this got me thinking to cereal premiums of the past that I remembered fondly. Although toys in cereals were common marketing practice in the past, they're a dying breed now.

Oddly enough, despite the valleys of different sugary cereals out there, it was Post Cereal's malted whole wheat squares, Shreddies, that boasted the best of the best.

This was first prevalent with their ThunderCats promotion. I loved ThunderCats. I still do. But while I was affluent with Masters of the Universe and Star Wars action figures, my parents put their foot down when I begged them for ThunderCats toys.

My cousin had Slythe. My best friend had the Thunder Tank. Rumor on the playground was that the school bully even had the Cats' Lair! But I was without and feeling my first twinge of jealousy. And blood lust.

Luckily, Shreddies came to the rescue. My mother was astonished when I requested Shreddies as the new breakfast-of-choice but jumped at the chance to retire Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes for while. My decision was not a cry for wheat but had more ulterior motives.

While everyone else was boasting about the ThunderCats toys they had home, I was the proud bearer of ThunderCats temporary tattoos, for all to see. Cheetara was on my eight-year-old bicep as if she were a pin-up girl. The Cats' logo on my forearm. And Lion-O over my heart. Yeah, I was committed to the cause.

Shreddies also offered a contest where you could win ThunderCats toys and I jumped at the chance! Sending in my three UPC symbols and hoop dreams, I waited for weeks for my toys to arrive. Then months. Then I forgot about it entirely. Then, oddly enough, long after ThunderCats stopped even being cool, this asshole showed up in my mailbox. Tuska. The lamest toy of them all. Not Panthro, not Vultureman. Tuska. I still have his manatee-esque punk somewhere in a box to prove that I actually won a contest but it was a bittersweet victory.

Tuska's arrival had actually coincided with my new obsession: The Real Ghostbusters. Like ThunderCats before them, my folks were wise to my fits of fancy and ever-changing tastes so they abdicated from buying me Ghostbusters toys. Jerks.

Once again, Shreddies came to the rescue with more rub-on tattoos. Only this time they were glow-in-the-dark. It was two great tastes that tasted great together!

Although I didn't have an Ecto-1 to call my own, I did have Slimer and Janine's gummy portrayals branded on my body. And if I got lost in the woods, I would be easy to find. My mind was always on safety.

After the Ghostbusters mania burned out, we had a few years (or maybe months, who knows?) before the next big thing was to hit.

During this dark time of half-assed and uninspired cartoons and toys, miniature plastic army men toys were all the rage. They began with M.U.S.C.L.E and evolved to Monster in My Pocket which was a personal fave.

Featuring monsters of legend like the Chimera, Medusa, and even ol' Nessie, these monsters were all packed with bios, detailing their origins. Shreddies helped out my collection with monsters made especially for the cereal! I ate so many Shreddies over those two months it was actually a little disturbing. After getting the witch in every damn color, I needed more... MORE!

Luckily I was finally saved by the cash cow of the 1990s: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When they hit the airwaves, they hit hard and fast!

I won't even begin to talk about their vast and insane marketing scheme but I will talk about four plastic rings that came in Shreddies and were shaped like the Turtles' faces. Yeah, the rings were too small to fit on your finger, they featured the first letter of the character's name, and they didn't look all that much like they did in the cartoon. But I had to have them. Worse, with their popularity exploding, Shreddies extended the line to include Splinter, April O'Neil, Shredder, and Be-Bop. It was out of hand and I was forced to raid my grandparents' Shreddies stash to try and collect them all!

The Turtles' reign was long and, at times, downright ugly. Even Shreddies themselves seemed to tire of it and moved on to something completely unexpected: primetime sci-fi.

Striking a deal with Paramount, they began to market Star Trek: The Next Generation starships. You had your Enterprise-D, a Romulan Warbird... they were all well and fine but came in the exact boring grey color. Maybe the idea was for you to paint them? I dunno, me and smearing color onto plastic was a terrible idea.

Shreddies learned from this miscalculation by offering stamps from the Next Generation spin-off, Deep Space Nine.

It was a strange offering to say the least. You could stamp Odo and Quark's faces to anything in the house... all while holding on to their heads.

Although I'm sure my mother (and lower intestine) approved of this practice of chowing down Shreddies for more toys, what neither realized is that I hated Shreddies. To this day, the smell churns my stomach. And worse, to kill the flavor, I poured about two cups full of sugar to every bowl. Straight from the bag no less. It's no small wonder I don't have diabetes. But instead, I had free toys, cherished memories, and one blown-out sphincter.

Battle of the Fruity Horses!

2011-08-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

It's the eternal question... which cartoon horse with the baritone voice would win in an ultimate battle to the death?

Rainbow Brite's steed, Starbrite?

Or She-Ra's unicorn, Swiftwind?

YOU decide!

Fisting Fun for EVERYone!

2011-08-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Y'know how each generation will become more tolerable and open-minded than their predecessors? Well toy companies are really broadening sexual exploration to kids early. Bi-curiosity? Nope. Orgies? Not yet. Anal? Getting close.

I'm talking of course about fisting! The toy-of-choice to market movie franchises the past few years are fists. Giant, vibrating, lights n' sound, spring-loaded FISTS!

It started out innocently enough. When Ang Lee's horrendous and overly-sappy The Hulk movie came out, Hasbro released several toys but few were as popular as the Hulk Hands.

Big, green, and mean, these ginormous foam fists were the size of your head. When you hit your little sister with them, they'd also make either crashing noises or Hulk himself screaming "Hulk SMAAASH!"

Being a pervert, I couldn't help but hit people in the ass and scream "Hulk FIIIIST!" Unfortunately, I didn't know what was to come...

I've covered this before but it demands further attention. Terminator: Salvation, while no box office behemoth, had a pretty substantial toyline. Again, when I saw this "T-600 Power Fist" in the toy store I was shocked at how brazenly inappropriate it was.

Granted, I'm not an eight-year-old (in body anyway) who just wants to transform himself into a Terminator but... well... it vibrates. And the fist is spring-loaded to fire off. And it would easily fit in in any sex shop.

I mean come ON!

The next summer saw another bomb, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The first movie's toys saw success with an Optimus Prime mask so the second movie tried to strike gold again with a Bumblebee mask that also came with the Autobot's signature "Plasma Cannon."

This mean sucker transformed from metallic fist to laser cannon. Don't let the cheery yellow paint job fool you, this puppy would BLAST your ass. In more ways than one.

Last up is this summer's latest addition to the fisting fever.

Green Lantern's "Battle Fist" simulates a green energy fist springing from GL's ring. Nothing screams role playing fun like a translucent green fist coming at your face.

Worse, it would propel out from a telescoping tube and the fist itself could fire off for that extra deep penetration.

Maybe I'm a sick individual (okay, I think that's confirmed now) but you can't help but feel just a little uncomfortable to see these in toy aisles where kids are firing fists at each other.

Hell, throw in some axle grease, crystal meth, and no small amount of determination and any of these toys could star in a German porn.

ThunderCats Ho No You Di'n't!

2011-08-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

After endless, tantalizing months of waiting, I finally saw the first episode of the new ThunderCats series that premiered on the Cartoon Network this past Friday, July 29th.

In a word? Amazeballs.

But I never get away with just one word so let's see how this new series stacks against the old.

First and foremost, Lion-O's father is voiced by the original voice actor for Lion-O, Larry Kenney! Listening to Claudus cry out "ThunderCats, HOOO!" one last time made me squeak a little bit.

In the '80s series, the ThunderCats shared a very Superman-esque origin story. Their planet Thunderra was going to explode for some damn reason so they packed up and left but their convoy was destroyed by their mortal enemies, the Mutants. Only Lion-O's ship, carrying the Lords of the ThunderCats, survived to crash on Third Earth and rebuild their civilization.

The new series starts instead with the ThunderCats as the ruling class of Third Earth, enjoying all the best land and resources in their walled kingdom (named Thunderra). They relied more on swords and sorcery than long-thought extinct technology. Like the original, the 'Cats were also massive assholes and it's hard to root for them since their civilization was cruel to subservient species, spoiled by their riches, and over-confident douchebags.

Another glaring difference was that Lion-O and Tygra are brothers... although one would assume from different mothers since lions and tigers don't share much in aesthetics.

Lion-O, the heir apparent, is naturally a giant goof who dreams of technology and the world beyond Thunderra's walls. Tygra, a little jealous of his brother's right to the throne, is a bit of a kiss-ass who's great at everything that Lion-O isn't.

It's a weird combo but it actually gives Tygra some much needed personality he lacked before and a built-in conflict between the two bros.

One conflict is that hos just might come between these two bros, with both virile men having an eye on Cheetara. Although Cheetara's affections have always been muddled, she clearly has more than a passing interest in Lion-O.

Power hungry gold digger? Maybe. But girl knows which brother to bet on.

Another interesting evolution of Cheetara is her powers. Still the little speedster, she is also now one of Jaga's magic-wielding clerics, a nod to her mental powers in the original cartoon.

Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat make an brief but memorable appearance. Still mischievous little dicks, they're now street urchins and con artists who steal to stay alive.

They also talk about some city of gold that will make them rich... clearly a less-than subtle clue to a future storyline that will probably entail whacky results.

Naturally, all good things must come to an end. The ThunderCats' own greed caused resentment amongst the Lizards who attacked Thunderra... with technology!

Dun, dun, dunnnn!

Slythe, no longer just some sass-talking Mutant, is now the leader of these Lizard people and an ally of Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living who apparently does not like sunlight... much like he was weakened by his own reflection before.

Another ally of Slythe was Grune. A traitor to the ThunderCats in the 1980s, he hasn't changed much in twenty-some years.

Grune totally turncoated again and helped Mumm-Ra and the Lizards destroy Thunderra, kill Claudus and Jaga, and make the ThunderCats race an endangered species with only Lion-O, Cheetara, and Tygra left on a quest to find the Book of Omens.

Way to step up, Grune.

But surely there are other survivors... we already saw a cameo by a certain blind 'Cat who was obviously Lynx-O, a late addition to the cast in the original series.

Hopefully his cohorts Bengali and Pumyra will follow suit some day.

On the whole? The show was an all too familiar ploy to sell toys. But hell, so was the original show.

It's definitely got promise and I'm beyond giddy for more. MORE! There are still more characters yet to be seen (uh, like Panthro?) and more reimaginings of Third Earth to be seen.

Oh yeah, and last thing? Snarf doesn't talk but he's still annoying as fuck.

SNAAAARFF!

Filmation Finally Goes Plastic

2011-07-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

The San Diego Comic-Con was held this past weekend and while nerd news across all platforms was dropped left, right, and centre, I was really keen to see the Masters of the Universe Classics panel Mattel was hosting to showcase their new toys over the next few months.

With 2012 marking the 30th anniversary of Masters of the Universe (horrifying, isn't it?), they promised big news and boy howdy, did they deliver!

As I mentioned in a previous article, Mattel has never had the rights to produce toys that were created specifically for the old Filmation cartoons. Although this didn't affect He-Man as much, half of She-Ra's cast was left out of toy aisles.

Even more interesting was that several characters released to date in the current Masters of the Universe Classics toyline were obviously modelled after their animated likeness, such as Orko, Queen Marlena, the Shadow Beast, She-Ra, and all of her cohorts.

That changed on Friday night, however, when Mattel announced that they finally acquired the rights to produce Filmation characters and promised to churn out three to four each year. The first one is easily the most fan-requested character, Shadow Weaver, Hordak's creepy witch.

This got me thinking of all the other wealth of characters that can now be immortalized in plastic and while there are tons of throwaways I have no interest in, I'm ridiculously (and embarrassingly) excited for more... MORE!

If Shadow Weaver is the one villain that fans have been clamoring for all these years, Madame Razz and Broom are the heroes we've all wanted.

Although largely a comedic character, she was also one of the few in She-Ra's inner cadre who knew her secret identity, making her an integral part of the Princess of Power lore.

Alongside Shadow Weaver, Scorpia was another member of the Horde Empire that would make one hot action figure.

Despite her super sexed-up design, poor Scorpia sounded like a trucker with the intelligence of a tree stump. As such, she was often portrayed as the dumb brute who wore too much eye makeup.

Lizard Man was a recurring character in He-Man & the Masters of the Universe who never received a corresponding toy.

While he never really seem to fit with the rest of the line, countless fan poles counted him high on the most-wanted of the Filmation library of characters they wanted to see. And no doubt he'll be showing up somewhere down the line.

The He-Man and She-Ra cartoons were known for characters of small stature who were annoying as fuck and Imp was easily the worst offender.

Hordak's favorite shapeshifting spy might be a royal pain but he was featured prominently in the show and is finally due for an action figure to call his own.

In the Princess of Power toyline, the lone male, Bow, was meant to be She-Ra's love interest. The animated series, however, made him come across as a conceited douchebag.

Filmation remedied this by introducing the roguishly rugged bad boy, Captain Sea Hawk. Hawk might have been a little salty but he was gaga over Princess Adora and the star-crossed lovers can now finally reunite in toy form.

Also, I'll probably make them 69 each other since their hardcore sex scenes never made it to the final cut of the cartoon. Go figure.

Although only in one episode, Huntara is another fan fave.

A purple amazon bounty hunter, Huntara was She-Ra's match in battle and was hired by the Horde to take her out.

In the end, they became gal pals and we all learned a valuable lesson about friendship or vague lesbian love or something. It was all terribly confusing. But at least bad ass.

Last up is the wise dragon, Granamyr. Featured in both the cartoon and mini-comics that came packaged with the original toys, Mattel let the attendees of Comic-Con decide on the color of Granamyr. High on the Filmation news, fans decided to go with the cartoon red and we'll most likely see a working prototype in next year's Comic-Con or New York Toy Fair.

I'm missing a ton more characters but these are easily the ones I'm most excited about. Finally, the mission statement of Masters of the Universe Classics to fill out and tie together all the different medias that He-Man and his pals have been featured in has another notch on its belt. The Filmation cast is another step to make this the definitive lore of a franchise I've loved since I was a kid.

CrossBOW You Didn't!

2011-07-15T16:36:00.001-07:00

It's been my general opinion that crossbows can quickly fix any of life's foibles. From shooting those pesky empties off your fence to calming domestic disputes to do-it-yourself abortions.

But where does this love of crossbows stem from? Naturally I took a good hard look inward and, with the help of quiet meditation (and Jesus), I decided it wasn't a love of medieval violence but rather what I learned on television as a youth.

A high-ranking intelligence officer, lover to Duke, Snake-Eyes, and Ripcord (depending on the media), and all around kick-ass chick, Scarlett was truly the first lady of G.I. Joe.

She was also known for two things: her namesake red hair and her trusty crossbow. Every version of the character, from cartoon spinoffs to comic books to movies to action figures, she was always sporting the ginger 'do and a bitchin' crossbow.

Oftentimes she also wore unconventional spandex while fighting for American freedom but I've covered that to death already...

The epic battles of He-Man and Skeletor's forces raged in backyards across the world until 1985 when a third faction called the Evil Horde entered the Masters of the Universe toyline.

It was the first time we as children realized that war could not only be sexy, but also spin out of control and turn into threeway campaigns, a notion we'd remember when the Cold War ended things got even muddier.

Shitty attempts at history lessons aside, the Horde had pre-programmed roots with the Masters of the Universe. Their leader, Hordak, was the one who had schooled Skeletor but was betrayed by his student and banished to another dimension. But Hordak didn't leave empty handed as he stole away Princess Adora, better known as She-Ra.

The characters were total awesomesauce but Mattel kinda cheaped out in the weapons department. All but one of the original five Hordesmen came with the same damn crossbow, only in different colors. They had gargoyle-like faces that, when you pushed a button, would SPRING forward... all of half an inch. Not terribly threatening but at least they looked badass enough on their own merit without the need for non-lethal weaponry.

In 1991, some genius at FOX decided that making a cartoon about Swamp Thing, one of DC Comics' most adult-oriented titles was a brilliant career move. He was wrong.

Swamp Thing only lasted five episodes but, like most '90s shows, it tried ridiculously hard, launching Swampy's only real mass marketing initiative.

The designs of the characters were clearly modeled for (or from) the action figure line, none more obvious than Swamp Thing's Native American ally, Tomahawk. Not to be confused with the comic book character Thomas Hawk, Tomahawk carried around the lamest looking crossbow ever. It looked like a toy and was just as intimidating. Good riddance to this whole mess.

My love of Poison Ivy knows no bounds. My first real introduction to her character, however, was in Batman: The Animated Series. Much like in the comic books, Ivy was a lover not a fighter so she left the messy business of dealing with her foes to her mutated plants. Or vagina when the need arose.

But, when gurl was backed in a corner, she sported a spiffy little crossbow armband whose arrows were (naturally) as poisonous as her toxic touch.

Spinning out of Batman: The Animated Series came Justice League: Unlimited. One character to play out prominently was the Helena Bertinelli version of Huntress. When her parents were slain by a rival mob family, Helena grew up to become the vengeful and crossbow-toting Huntress. She would later be invited to join the League by Batman. However, just like in the comics, she was the wildcard amongst Batman's allies and when the ultimate control freak couldn't keep her in line, he booted her out.

Oh, and if you're wondering why she looks like a hoochie, she had a crazy fetish for vigilantes. If you wore a mask and wore spandex, she was on you like Oprah on a baked ham.

This list would not be complete without Star Wars' Chewbacca. Although not in the cartoony category, he's the man (er, Wookie) who launched my love of crossbows.
Chewie's crossbow was his signature weapon in all four movies he appeared in but it was more about the look of a crossbow than actually functioning as one. Basically it was a blaster rifle with two nubs sticking out the side.

Still cool all the same. Because anything Chewie touches is cool.

So go out and legally purchase this historic weapon with lots of cartoon street cred. Clearly, all the cool kids are doing it.

Gro$$ Toys

2011-07-12T19:29:00.001-07:00

Although I've got mad love for Masters of the Universe's Slime Pit, there are plenty of other fine offerings of disgusting in the toy aisles of yore.

Some of my favorites were the Madballs. The concept was easy enough: give ordinary foam balls a nauseating makeover. There was Screamin' Meemie the baseball, eyeball-hanging Slobulus, Hornhead the cyclops, Skull Face (a skull, duh), and my favorite Oculos Orbus, a giant bloodshot eyeball.

They were insanely popular in the mid-1980s and spawned a second assortment, cartoon, comic books, as well as really weird action figures whose bodies would lauch their head...balls. Or something.

There was a modern "revival" in 2006 that I coveted but not enough to actually scour Toys'R'Us for. Instead, they'll live forever, seeping ooze and grey matter, in my memories.

Not so much toys as much as a pre-Pokemon trading card phenomenon.

Grab a pack of Garbage Pail Kids and groan in delight as you'd find yourself reading about Cabbage Patch Kid-looking brats getting maimed or shooting shit out of their mouths. For real, it was crazy graphic in retrospect.

They proved so popular that they received the feature film treatment that I haven't seen in twenty years or so... buuut I do remember one chick trailing her runny snot from her nose to the back of a television and getting electrocuted from it.

Comic genius! I really gotta track that down. It must be on Blu-Ray by now, no?

I wanted a Boglin. Bad. Like stupid bad. But Ma wasn't biting.

Boglins were just puppets. Or were they? Featuring realistic, almost slimy skin, they also had lifelike eyes that you could move around with your fingers.

They were pure awesomesauce. But Ma was a smart cookie. Once I got it out of its cool cage crate and flopped it around, terrorizing my Ewok Village playset, I'd grow bored with it and chuck it in the pile of other flash-in-the-pan toys.

Still, not having it stings to this day. Lil' bit.

This isn't so much gross as it is topical. As in topical cream. Bed Bugs was a game where four different-colored bugs would be dumped on the plastic "bed." The bed would violently vibrate, bouncing the bugs everywhere.

With same-colored tweezers, you'd have to collect all your matching bugs before your friends for ultimate Bed Bugs bragging rights. You could also cheat by jamming your thumb on the bed, slowing the vibrations and tweezing up them bugs lickedy split!

At the time, it was innocent enough. As an adult, however, picking out bugs with tweezers takes on all kinds of STD connotations that I'd rather not think about, much less write about it in graphic detail.

The Queasy Bake Oven was more than just a play on words from the girly and domestic Easy Bake Oven. You'd take your dough to make dog bones that would be cooked in the "cookerator" with the mad heat from an ordinary lightbulb.

The cookies looked pretty lame and tasted awful but the toy itself looked like Satan's toaster oven. Plus, you could dip the dog bones in snot and blood and puss and all that.

For parents who were also deeply concerned their son would turn out gay when he asked for an Easy Bake Oven, this was a godsend in gruesome disguise.

In the same vein as the Queasy Bake Oven, the Creepy Crawlers Bug Maker worked pretty much the same, only this time you made plastic spiders, bugs, and salamanders to scare your sister with.

Like most artsy kids toys, however, the pictures on the box were incredible but when you had to dump different colors of plastic into the mold tray, it would all just mix up and look like shit.

That said, neon rainbow bugs or shit bugs, an army of unholy crawler creatures is still nothing to balk at. Well, it is but that's beside the point.

Kids these days, I tellz ya, don't appreciate the dirty, nasty, stuck-under-your-nails fun that their germaphobe moms refuse to allow. Put down the antiseptic, mush slime in the dog's fur, throw fake bugs in your friends' eyes, and have fun, dammit!

Gheeey.

2011-07-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

On my quest to prove that G.I. Joe is rrrrr'l gay, I present this lil' gem.

The Many Bitchin' Rides of Skeletor

2011-07-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

Men throughout history have overcompensated their failings and shortcomings with their sweet rides. Although you and I have come to know these short and small-penis'ed boys doing so with Hummers and tricked-out trucks, supervillains go for what they know best: the ridiculously dramatic.

Few supervillains showcase this like Skeletor from Masters of the Universe. Hey, maybe Skeletor did have a huge blue wang under that loin cloth... but he had no face. That can't make it easier to score chicks. Below is his evolution from practical to just desperate modes of transportation.

Panthor, Savage Cat of Skeletor!
If the original Masters of the Universe toyline had any running theme, it was of balance between good and evil. For every He-Man toy, there was a corresponding Skeletor. For every She-Ra, there was a Hordak and Catra to match. So when He-Man decided to cruise around Eternia on a smack-talkin' green tiger, Skeletor followed suit with his own pimped-out purple pussy, Panthor!

Panthor was a young dylinx cub who was rescued by a man named Keldor who would someday become the ruthless Skeletor. Panthor remained with his master throughout his campaigns to conquer Eternia and could be found carrying the Overlord of Evil into battle or cuddling up at his throne.

The Panthor toy was essentially just the same mold as Battle Cat. They even shared the same saddle, only in different colors. What made the toy truly bad ass, however, was that he's coated in a purple fur that felt like velvet. Not only could he eat his enemies, he was fuzzy too! Awesome.

Night Stalker, Evil Armored War Horse!
Keeping with the trend of reusing molds, when He-Man started riding around on a robotic horse named Stridor, Skeletor played copycat and got his own robo-steed named Night Stalker.

Like Panthor, Night Stalker was just a repaint of Stridor (or was it the other way around?). Both horses were identical otherwise, with metal armor and (best of all) shoulder laser cannons. I wish I had shoulder lasers...

In any case, it was a little vague whether there was actually a horse under all that junk or it was a completely mechanical beast. Either way, he was rad. And if he was injured in battle, no need to turn him into glue. Just replace his parts! It's win-win!

Land Shark, Evil Monster Vehicle!
Nooo, no... not the SNL Land Shark, this was entirely Skeletor's take on a small tank. A small tank that could also rip your arm off.

I loved the Land Shark. Loved! There was no rhyme or reason to my love either. It could be the giant rail guns, it could be that it would hungrily chomp at the air when you moved it back and forth.

Or it could be that it was a tank with a giant fucking purple shark for a face!

That's all the reason I needed. The Land Shark and I had many adventures where he ate the Sorceress and then parked on Man-at-Arms' head. In my world, Skeletor was just a passenger and Land Shark was the true hero of the living room floor.

Roton, Evil Assault Vehicle!
See a trend here? These vehicles always have "Evil" in their description, as if it were made from parts of Hitler's Mercedes or Mussolini's Alfa Romero.

Roton was actually the only toy on this list I didn't have. It's not that it wasn't kinda cool, it's just that there were so many other wicked machines for He-Man and pals to ride on. Plus my parents weren't made of money, come on now.

Roton worked similarly to my beloved Land Shark. When you pushed it forward or backward, the blades around it would spin like a buzzsaw, mowing down your foes in a veritable bloodbath of vengeance!

Y'know, in retrospect, I wish I did have this... I'm going to call my parents later and yell at them for this miscalculation on their part.

Spydor, Evil Stalker!
My folks made a good call when it came to this bad boy at least.

Spydor was a giant mechanical spider (clever name, huh?) who also had creepy transparent red eyes and mandibles that could grab onto your heroic enemies and, I dunno, squish their innards? Eat them whole? Dude didn't really have a mouth so that was lost on me as a violence-loving eight-year-old.

The real kicker was that he could also walk. He was the Masters of the Universe's equivalent of an AT-AT which is always a bonus. Oh yeah, and like everyone on this list, he also had two laser cannons on top of his head. As every giant spider should.

The downside? This bitch took, like, half a dozen C batteries just to make his legs work. He could power your television but could barely walk five feet without tapping the juice. Ah well, he was evil enough just looking like an asshole without needing to walk over there and prove it.

Fright Fighter, Evil Dragonfly Attack Vehicle!
This is where Skeletor was really grasping at straws in the scare tactics department.

He had monopolized the market on giant jungle cats, sharks, spiders, and buzzsaws and when he just couldn't think of anything better, he settled on a dragonfly.

Ooooh, scaaa-ry!

I scorn but in reality, it was pretty fun. By pressing a trigger on the handle, the Fright Fighter's four wings would flap and since that was largely useless, it also had jet engines for feet. Oh, and mouth pinchers to grab at its enemies. And yet more laser cannons.

Despite being kinda goofy, this was one tough bug and a welcome addition late in the toyline.

So what have we learned here today? Seriously, y'all come here to learn a lesson?!

Fine, the moral of the story is whether you're a fan of Ed Hardy or the despot of a far away planet, the easiest way to prove your wiener isn't tiny is to accessorize the hell out of your ride!

Ideally with laser cannons.

Luke learns a valuable lesson

2011-06-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

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2011-06-28T19:04:00.001-07:00

Gargoyles: The Next Generation

2011-06-14T18:10:00.001-07:00

During the mid-Nineties, Disney ruled the afternoon airwaves. Between Ducktales, Tailspin, and Darkwing Duck, they had a little flavor and lot of brand recognition for everyone. In 1994, however, Disney really grew some balls and premiered Gargoyles, a dark and complex series unlike anything they had done on television before.

Oddly enough, Star Trek: The Next Generation wrapped up that same year. All these suddenly out-of-work but tightly-knit actors needed a new place to call home. Where did they end up?

If I have to tell you, you're in the wrong place...

Although the main cast were relative unknowns, the two main villains of the series sported some familiar voices. First up was David Xanatos, voiced by Jonathan Frakes who was better known as Commander William Riker on Next Generation. Xanatos was not unlike Riker; charming, suave, carefree... only this time he embodied pure corporate evil.

Xanatos often teamed up with a gargoyle named Demona who Marina "Counselor Deanna Troi" Sirtis played. Sirtis really shone in the series as Demona neither looked like her nor acted like her soft-spoken Star Trek alter ego. Demona was vicious, vengeful, and had easily the juiciest storyline.

Riker and Troi weren't alone, however. Michael Dorn (Lt. Worf), played recurring reluctant villain/sometimes ally of the gargoyles, Coldstone.

Coldstone was the composite of three different gargoyles and rebuilt with Demona's magic and Xanatos' technology, making him the Frankenstein cyborg gargoyle with a split personality. And laser cannons in his forearms.

Bad ass.

But wait, kids, there's more! Joining his fellow bridge officers, Lt. Data's Brent Spiner hopped on board Gargoyles as well. Gargoyles married many different lores and none more prominent than the characters from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Spiner often guest starred as Puck, the mischievous and shape shifting faerie.

But where would Puck be without his queen?

Star Trek: Voyager's Captain Kathryn Janeway joined the family as Titania, queen of the faerie folk.

Kate Mulgrew's voice may have sounded like cat nails down a chalkboard that was later turned into an accordion, but for once she oozed sex. Which, y'know, is totally appropriate for a kid's show.

The trend of other Star Trek stars joining the fun didn't stop there. Nichelle Nichols, better known as Uhura from the original series, played Elisa Maza's mother Diane who had a recurring role.

If you listen carefully in the first season, she also plays several other nameless background characters. But you can't mistake her husky "Hailing frequencies are open, Captain" voice.

The Next Generation cast members still flocked to the show as guest stars. LeVar Burton retired from Star Trek and Reading Rainbow but he did voice a wicked huge spider named Anansi in two episodes. A far cry from blind engineer Geordi LaForge.

Colm Meany (Chief Miles O'Brien from both Next Generation and Deep Space Nine voiced Rory Dugan in the episode "The Hound of Ulster."

Last up, Avery "Captain Benjamin Sisko" Brooks joined Kate Mulgrew to fill out the captains when he briefly left Deep Space Nine to voice the alien Nokkar.

This doesn't even count the numerous guest stars who were on both Star Trek and Gargoyles but I don't feel like listing them here. Look them up yourself ya lazy arse.

In any case, this cat's back to watching Gargoyles on DVD and play Name-that-Trek-Alumni!

Balls Drunk She-Ra

2011-06-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

"I am Adora. He-Man's twin sister... and one hot fucking mess."

"You like to party, big boy...?"

Star Trek Leading Ladies: The Other Red Shirt

2011-06-08T08:55:00.001-07:00

Although the original Star Trek series made the Red Shirt infamous for being killed off in each episode, the spin-offs had their own sacrificial lambs. Only this time, they weren't a rotating cast of nameless extras, they were part of the main cast. And women to boot.

Denise Crosby played Lt. Tasha Yar in the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Her character, the Chief of Security, proved very popular amongst the fans but Crosby herself wasn't a fan of becoming essentially a background character and chose to leave the show.

Her character was unceremoniously killed by an alien named Armus in the episode Skin of Evil, only 22 episodes into the series. Crosby would return sporadically throughout the series, playing Tasha Yar in alternate realities and even her own half-Romulan daughter, Sela.

If anything, it raised the stakes since major characters could indeed be killed off and made the third season cliffhanger Best of Both Worlds more suspenseful as Captain Picard was abducted by the Borg and his future career in the series was questionable at the time given his age and the perceived focus on Commander Riker who could replace him as the show's lead. This also put more pressure on the writers to give their remaining ladies, Counselor Troi and Doctor Crusher, more teeth since they were in stereotypical feminine roles.

An interesting side note is that Denise Crosby was originally cast to play Troi, while Marina Sirtis was set to play Lt. Yar. Before production began, they swapped roles but it makes one wonder how the series would have shaped up had they not been recast and it was Troi who died and Yar continued on.

In any case, this behind-the-scenes treatment of women was just the beginning of this tradition.

Spinning out of The Next Generation came Deep Space Nine. The show's producers, not wanting to fall into the same trap of featuring women as healthcare professionals, created the ball-busting Kira Nerys as the First Officer and Jadzia Dax as the Science Officer.

Played aptly by Terry Farrell, Dax was a strange duck. Jadzia was the young woman who had a centuries-old slug named Dax living in her abdomen. Together, they lived in symbiosis and shared experiences, giving Dax the body of a super model but the wisdom of an old mage. Her character was easily one of the most interesting amongst a great cast but she was not meant to last.

In the sixth season Farrell was offered a role on the Ted Danson sitcom Becker. She accepted so her character was murdered by the series' antagonist Gul Dukat. She died with her husband Worf by her side but the symbiont slug survived and was transferred to a new host body by the name of Ezri. Counselor Ezri Dax carried on the name in the seventh and final season of Deep Space Nine, starting a whole new tradition.... death and replacement!

Not long after The Next Generation wrapped up, Star Trek: Voyager premiered. This time, women were quite literally in the driving seat as the space cowgirl Captain Kathryn Janeway was joined by half-Klingon Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres. This allowed for more wiggle room with less agro chicks.

Jennifer Lien's character Kes was from a species that only lived about nine years. When she was rescued by her boyfriend Neelix and the crew of Voyager, she was only a few years old... but had the body of a 21-year-old. And a terrible wig.

Like the legacy of Troi and Crusher before her, Kes eventually became the ship's nurse but despite given latent telekinetic and telepathic powers as well as letting her natural hair show, her character had grown stale over the course of the series' first three seasons.

The show's producers, fearing lackluster ratings, decided to literally sex up the show with the casting of the big-boobed Jeri Ryan as the spandex-loving Borg Seven of Nine in the fourth season. While most previous series' were a sausage fest, Voyager suddenly turned into a clam bake. Someone had to go...

Like Terry Farrell, Jennifer Lien was outright replaced. Luckily for Kes, she wasn't casually killed off. In the episode The Gift her mental powers evolved to god-like proportions and she simply vanished into the ether, only to be seen once again in the series.

Despite being a franchise that is celebrated for his diversity, it's pretty misogynist at the same time. The one saving grace is that this trend didn't continue in the final spin-off, Enterprise.

But no one watched that mess so who cares?

DC is About to Go #1 Again

2011-06-01T18:20:00.001-07:00

DC Comics is currently in the midst of its alternate reality summer event, Flashpoint. Like most alternate reality storylines, readers had assumed that once it wraps up, the status quo will return to normal.

The strange thing, however, was that while all the comic book houses release their solicits several months in advance, the only comic book DC was releasing on August 31st was the final issue of Flashpoint. Not only that, there were no solicits after that date. None. At all. As if they just closed shop. They weren't even being coy about it, there was just no information.

Media outlets and fans alike theorized and speculated on what DC's big announcement would entail and yesterday they finally played some of their cards.

Alongside Flashpoint #5, Justice League #1 would also be released that same day, elevating it once again the flagship book of the DC Universe. Not only that, but all of the books in DC's stable would be cancelled and 52 new books sporting fancy #1s would follow suit.

Why 52? More on that later.

Fans were treated to the first teaser image of Justice League, featuring the heavy-hitters once again in the steering wheel. Oh, and Cyborg. They also showcased new costumes and a more youthful look. DC announced that they wanted a reset button, allowing for a more character-driven, realistic, and relevant universe to play in; one that new readers could jump into without being bogged down with 76 years worth of history.

As further proof of their long-term plan, each comic book will be available in stores and digitally on the same day, allowing tablet users to download their favorite titles on the day of release for the first time.

This news, coupled with my fear of change, should see me taking to the streets, screaming the sky is falling (no, for really, I take this shit to heart) but I'm surprisingly excited for this. Many, many other fanboys are not,however, and have taken to the interwebs to express their rage. This fanboy is taking to his own site to offer the more optimistic side of the story.

Many fans cried foul, claiming that this is a cheap tactic to lure in new readers while screwing long-term die-hards. They clearly forget DC's rich and very messy history. This is not the first reset DC has undergone. The first (and most infamous) was 1985's Crisis on Infinite Earths which was the publisher's attempt to streamline all the different versions of characters into one friendly package.

The repercussions had a ripple effect to the editors and characters alike so other Crises like Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis , and Final Crisis followed years later in an attempt to fix past mistakes. This new post-Flashpoint stepping stone is just another in a legacy of epic stories.

Another huge gripe among fans are the new costumes. Really? Really?

Recognize these clowns? No, they weren't drawn by my eight-year-old nephew, they're the first incarnations of Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman. Although Batman and Wonder Woman's costumes change subtly (sometimes even drastically) every few years, Superman's remained largely static for a long ass time.

Their new costumes (as well as the looks for scores of other characters) were redesigned by comic book superstar Jim Lee who infamously created Wondie's full-pants new look almost a year ago to patriotic outcry. At least her new digs are still similar, as is Aquaman's. Green Lantern and Flash are only tweaked, Batman's back to a classic look. And that leaves Big Boy Blue. Superman finally ditches the red undies in favor of a sleek blue suit. Finally he isn't a relic but looks like he belongs amongst all the other kiddies he himself spawned.

The point is that costumes change to fit the audience, from bulky suits to steamlined spandex to more utilitarian in recent years. The audience themselves changed from kids to teenagers to young adults expecting more realism and relevance out of super-powered crime fighters. Yup.

Oh, and my nod at 52 comics coming out? 52 is a very important number to DC Comics the past few years. After Infinite Crisis, all the titles that came out the following month were labelled "One Year Later." At the same time, another weekly series called 52 came out, filling in the blanks of that lost year. At the end of that series, 52 alternate universes were born.

What happens to these 52 worlds (and plenty of other burning questions) are up in the air but this is one cat who can't wait for the ride!

My wallet, however, won't know what hit it...

Cartoon Character Conventions

2011-05-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

It's been said time and again how television producers just regurgitate the same formulas over and over again. Cartoons fall victim to the same pitfalls. Each era has its own running themes but cartoons lately seem to follow the same character selection conventions in every single series.

This past January I was super stoked to watch the new Transformers Prime and G.I. Joe Renegades on Hasbro's new The Hub network. Naturally, I love 'em both. Lurv! Can't get enough. Instead of throwing a new-toy-of-the week in every episode, they focus on a smaller cast to foster more character-driven stories.

However, despite one show being about sentient robots and the other about renegade soldiers, it's the same damn group of characters, just packaged differently. Let's flip through the archetypes, yes?

The Leader
Every group of ragtag heroes needs their selfless, larger-than-life hero to look up to and lead them into battle. Prime and Renegades offers this in spades in the form of Optimus Prime and Duke. Optimus Prime has always been the Autobots' fearless leader from day one. The truck decals might have changed over the various media interpretations but Prime's always been a messiah amongst talking cars.

Similarly, although Duke was a later addition in the original G.I. Joe toy line, he has always been the go-to guy. The heart-of-gold farm boy who's right there in the trenches with his fellow soldiers. Despite the different voices, designs, hell, even species, it's the same dude. That token never-say-die leader who rallies the gang into action with "Yo Joe!" or "Autobots, roll out!" catch phrases.

The Sassy/Scrappy Bad Ass Chick
The ladies of the Eighties may have talked the talk with the boys, but they seldom walked the walk, relegated to love interests and hostages. Producers now have tried to rectify this by overcompensating with women who may not have the largest physical presence, but are the best fighters in the team with a sarcastic streak to boot.

Arcee is a prime (pardon the pun) example of this. Originally a mother hen pink car, she was a slutty lil' Autobot too, romantically linked to no less than three different Transformers. Producers broke convention by making her a bitchin' blue motorcycle in Transformers Prime, hoping that we'd still recognize her as female, even though she's not pink. She was also the most hot-headed and violent of the gang. Her trampy past was still intact, however, as it was hinted she and fallen Autobot Cliffjumper were more than "just friends."

Scarlett's makeover wasn't so drastic as she's always been a competent leader amongst the Joes only now her spandex and hooker boots have been butched up with utilitarian military garb and a sardonic, almost cold personality.

Both ladies benefited from the new character models but still, same gal, different clothes.

The Poetic Truck
Every team needs their muscle, their trump card who, when things get ugly, can swoop in and trash the joint. A huge physical presence who literally takes up serious real estate on the television screen. Only they can never be your typical frat boy. Nooo, no, they need the heart of a poet to offset the stereotype.

Bulkhead, despite literally being a truck, fits the bill perfectly. A hulking monster, he's also the clumsy gentle giant. A bit on-the-nose with his lack of intelligence but at least he's the nice guy, the dude you'd love to share a beer with... if he could actually sit on a bar stool.

Similarly, Roadblock is that "big Black dude" on Renegades who might be a towering figure but he's the friggin' Aunt Jemima of the Joes. A chef with the down-home Bayou sensibility, he's often pegged as the voice of reason. The ironic thing is despite going against expectations, both of these characters built new stereotypes.

The Annoying One
Nothing creates drama amongst your cast of characters like that one asshole who just complains and causes friction. In the Eighties these sidekicks were usually nags, small in stature like Snarf or Orko but now they're full-fledged cast members with loud mouths and bitchy tendencies.

Transformers Prime enjoys the constant griping of Ratchet, the medi-bot. Ever the nursemaid, he's seen little action but has no problems complaining when the other Autobots are banged up. He's also voiced by Jeffrey Combs who played Weyoun on Deep Space Nine who's creepy voice just sends me into a a seizure. So yeah, that doesn't help.

Oddly enough, Tunnel Rat is also the Joes' token medic but goes a step further by being smelly, lazy, and (gasp!) Asian! Add a grating voice (I'm seeing another trend here...) and an abrasive personality and blam! Token prick who serves his purpose but makes you audibly groan all the same.

The Fan Favorite
Here's the money shot, folks. Every show has that one instantly identifiable character who is used as the poster boy. Like Wolverine to the X-Men or Sarah Palin for Evil, Bumblebee and Snake-Eyes epitomize Transformers and G.I. Joe respectively. Those ultra-cool, super likeable characters with brand recognition make the show. Period. Without them, the show would instantly tank as the fans would take to message boards and the streets, raging to anyone who will listen.

Bumblebee might not be bad ass with frickin' laser beams on his head but he's the Autobot you loved to root for. The guy who could be you... if you were a talking car. Everyone's pal plus a rad yellow Camero!

Snake-Eyes is the polar opposite. A mute with a tragic past and mad ninja skillz, Snake-Eyes is that rogue loner with a code of ethics. And a katana! Again, someone cool who fans love to watch, even if his screen time is minimal. It's a tease. Something to look forward to. Something that keeps you watching.

Money shot.

Oh, and look at that. Looks like ThunderCats and Voltron are getting makeovers this Fall with brand new "re-imagined" shows!

Try and pick out who's who. They might look different but their prototype is the same across the board.

Viva originality!

Summer BLOCKbusters

2011-05-08T07:07:00.001-07:00

I'm always a sucker for this. Next Movie recently posted movie posters from from this summer's upcoming blockbusters like Green Lantern, Thor, and Captain America.... only in LEGO form. Lurvs. Check them all out here!

2011-04-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

It's voting time again... Who has the most-feathered and best-flowing mullet? David Bowie's Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth or Ricardo Montalban's Kahn Noonien Singh from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn?

You decide!

Drive-By of the Tiger

2011-03-31T18:26:00.001-07:00

Although I'm no fan of the species Felis Catus, my reliable cartoons of yore have once again taught me valuable lessons about not judging books by their covers. Despite their prickly tongues and asshole attitudes, cats can indeed serve a more useful function; as loyal steeds.

Come on, don't tell me you never wanted to hop on the back of a cat and ride off into action. Sure, maybe dogs are more pragmatic but cats are jerks and I'd much rather kick them in the ribs to speed up.

As always, here are prime examples to prove that my rants aren't just the byproduct of years of wild hedonism:

Easily the most infamous of manly men who ride giant cats is He-Man and his loyal sidekick, Battlecat. We all know the tale, lazy buttfuck Prince Adam and his useless-as-a-tit scaredy cat Cringer transform into the mighty He-Man and Battlecat. Whereas they'd usually chill out and nap, when danger arose, they'd sprint off into action.

The best part was that Battlecat came with a built-in saddle that He-Man's honey could also ride on. This cat was the ultimate wingman! Easily the winner of "giant cats I'd love to ride to work" but let's continue since I made the effort to pirate these pictures from other websites.

Okay, so Voltron took Battlecat, made him chromey, and multiplied him by five. Bitchin'.

Unless Anime cartoons are about schoolgirls getting raped by tentacles, they're otherwise about robots who fight evil separately, get their asses handed to them, then combine to create a giant mo' fo' who'd wipe the floor with the villain of the week during the last five minutes of the episodes.

Voltron pretty much followed the same formula. Only with cats. Awesome.

The five cats had a host of color-coordinated pilots. Together, they would form the giant robot Voltron who had fuckin' tigers for hands and a giant sword that could split the sun in half. Or so I always wished at least.

Since the ThunderCats were masters of branding themselves, they naturally created fortresses and vehicles based off of... well, themselves.

Egotistical bitches.

The beloved ThunderTank was their primary means of cruising around Third Earth and blowing shit up. The grill was teeth, it had retractable claws, it was all around wicked bad ass.

Although I can honestly say it's never occurred to me to build a car that's based off the human body, much less myself. That said, now that I think about it...

Although a Marvel Comics character, he appeared in the 90's X-Men cartoon so he fits here just fine.

Ka-Zar and his sabre tooth tiger, Zabu would roam around the prehistoric Savage Land, keep the peace, and sniff mutant catnip.

Naturally, the X-Men would show up from time to time and screw things up royally as they're prone to do. Leave it to a gargantuan tiger and beefcake in a loin cloth to clean up their mess.

And there you have it. With my birthday looming, I can relieve y'all of the burden of which car to buy me. Just know that a domesticated cheetah would do just fine instead.

Sexy Scary

2011-03-21T18:54:00.001-07:00

Sometimes sexy ain't just big tits and blond extensions. For every dumb bimbo, there's always that je ne sais quoi that trumps it all. The world of science fiction takes this to a whole other disturbing level. In many sci-fi franchises, the creators take "sexy" to gross, weird places that, while still titillating, are also downright horrifying.

The sequel to Alien (aptly named Aliens) featured not one but a bazillion of those creepy xenomorphs. The designs of the Aliens by H.R. Giger was vaguely sexual, made even more epic in the second film. Don't you tell me you don't see stilt-legged dildos scampering around drippy vagina caves when you watch the movie.

The big reveal, however, was when Ripley stumbled into the Alien Queen's hive. There the Queen was pumping out face-hugger eggs until her uncircumcised penis face split out of her head to mark her territory.

Gross? Yes. Unnerving? Damn right. Vaguely arousing? You betcha.

The original V proved that the letter didn't just stand for the alien Visitors but also vixen! Second-in-command to the fleet of Visitor ships, Diana was the sadistic and vicious sexpot who filled out an orange jumpsuit very nicely.

The creep factor comes in once you realize that beauty only is skin deep. Her sexy flesh was only a sham, covering her true reptilian, rat-eating, cold-hearted form. Her ultimate goal was to eat humanity too. Alive no less. Deliciously evil!

Star Trek: First Contact finally gave Trekkie movie-goers what they had been clamoring for: more Borg! The extra treat, however, was when the Borg Queen arrived. With a sultry voice declaring "I am Borg," a head, torso, and twitchy robotic spine came lowering down into black body that clamped down on her chest flesh. It was pure canned awesome.

But the sex appeal didn't stop there. The Borg Queen slinked around the screen, seducing the hapless Data by giving him real skin. After blowing on the tiny hairs on his arm and sending Data into orgasmic bliss, she looked up with black eyes and whispered "Was that good for you?"

Splooge.

This ain't just a game for the ladies. Farscape was oozing with weirdness but the pinnacle of calculating and confident sex appeal was none other than the heroes' nemesis, Scorpius. A commander in the Peacekeepers army, "Scorpy" hunted down and tortured John Crichton and his friends the entire series.

Dangerous, intimidating, driven, Scorpius was a man's man. Only in a dominatrix face mask. He was a mix of bad boy and kink. It's win-win!

Just because it's old, it doesn't mean it's any less sexy. Metropolis has been crediting as an influence to 2001: A Space Odyssey and Star Wars, telling the story of the clash between workers and owners in a dystopian future city. The real star of the movie, however, was Maria the machine mistress of Metropolis.

Think C-3P0 with a better rack, she was robo-nightmare with curves to kill for. Luckily, the movie has become popular again thanks to the steampunk movement so this lil' German film is confusing a new generation of young boys!

So Number Six from the Battlestar Galactica remake is more like actual sexy, not just implied sexy, she falls into the Diana school of thought. Smoke show hot on the outside, evil robot on the inside.

After the robotic slaves of the Twelve Colonies rebelled, they finally left, found God, and returned years later looking as human as their creators. Their herald was Number Six who loved to show some skin. Too straight-forward? Yeah, she was also solely responsible for destroying the Twelve Colonies in a nuclear holocaust. Sultry and sassy. Me likey!

So what have we learned? You might not have a D-cup. You might not be tall. You might have acid blood and a prehensile tail. But if you got it, you just got it!

Overlooked Cartoons of the Nineties

2011-03-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been light on updates lately. I have a big boy job, m'kay? How do you think I afford all those action figures? And mind-warping drugs. Anyway, to the meat of it!

Although my heart belongs to the Eighties, the Nineties had their fair share of wicked cartoon fare. That decade, however, belonged to the Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers. Any and all competition (and ripoffs) were swiftly and ruthlessly swept away as studio heads and toy companies vied for a piece of the pie. If product didn't sell as well as the Big Two, they were yanked from airwaves and toy aisles.

It's unfortunate since a lot of care was made into these shows. Between character development, production value, and overreaching plots that could easily stretch a few seasons, these cartoons could've been some epic television. Ah well. Listed here are a few of the lost gems that I really wish weren't cut short so soon.

Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars
Not just a favorite from the Nineties but a personal all-time fave was Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars. Based on the cult comic and created by the legendary Larry Hama, Bucky O'Hare took place in the Aniverse where anthropomorphic animals banded together to fight off the evil Toad Empire. The cast was rad too: the green rabbit Bucky was joined by sexy feline pilot Jenny, one-eyed/four-armed mallard Deadeye Duck, android AFC Blinky, and some lame ass Earth kid named Willy.

Although the Eighties had perfected the art of cross promoting a new show with a line of toys (or vice versa), the Nineties thought they could do it better. Bucky O'Hare was a prime example of why they were morons. The show was hastily slapped together and so the animation was kinda shitty. Worse, when Hasbro released the toys, they shipped the Toad Air Marshall more than any other action figure. As a result, it was impossible to find your favorite characters... I swear, there are still drug stores in the States that still have that damn Toad Air Marshall collecting dust.

Since sales were seemingly so poor, Hasbro cancelled the next two series of action figures and the show was next to be axed. Of all the revived cartoons over the past few years, Bucky's the one I'm gunning for most.

You can see the show's bitchin' intro here!

The Pirates of Dark Water
This was just a great show. 'Nuff said.

Okay, I should really explain why. The Pirates of Dark Water was a mix of Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean and followed a mismatched group of hotties on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule that, when combined, has the power to stop some evil black goo known as "Dark Water" from gobbling up the world of Mer.

The triad of heroes were your classic Luke/Han/Leia dynamic. Dreamboat Ren was the deposed prince of Octopon who has half of his father's sword, there was a rogue pirate Ioz, and the mysterious Tula who kinda looked like Princess Jasmine from Disney's Aladdin. They also had some annoying monkey bird named Niddler but the less said about him the better.

Naturally there were toys, lunchboxes, inflatable life vests... but all the marketing in the world couldn't help. Despite the epic plot and gorgeous watercolor backgrounds, this show sank before it was given the chance. If you're curious, here's the intro.

Skeleton Warriors
In the same vein as Pirates of Dark Water, Skeleton Warriors were fantasy freedom fighters defending their planet of Lumimaire from Skeletor ripoffs. Essentially, the conflict centres around control of the Lightstar Crystal. Baron Dark tried to steal it but it broke in half. His half turned him and his cadre into a pack of flying motorcycle-riding skeletons.

The heroes included Prince Lightstar, Grimskull, and Taryn who had powers from the other half of the crystal and... yeah, seriously? Who cares?! FLYING MOTORCYCLE-RIDING MOTHERFUCKING SKELETONS! That's canned awesome if I ever heard it!

As further proof, here's the show's heavy metal intro. As with the rest, the show only lasted thirteen episodes. They had toys, Happy Meal promotions, good intentions... but yeah, even I smelled death on this from the start (pun intended). It was a flimsy concept but one Hell of a ride while it lasted.

Earthworm Jim
Based off the popular Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis video game, Earthworm Jim was the heroic tale of a simple earthworm who is transformed into a intergalactic hero by a robotic super suit. With a hook like that, you could sell used needles to vegans.

Most episodes involved a host of awesomely hilarious villains trying to rip Jim from the super suit, destroy the universe, or just act like general assholes. Earthworm Jim, along with his sidekick Peter Puppy, his girlfriend Princess What's-Her-Name (no for reals, that was her name), and his pet snot... named Snot... would thwart these evil-doings.

It was funny science fiction nonsense at its best. Shockingly, it lasted a whopping two seasons and spawned a line of toys from Playmates but then whimpered off into the night.

God speed, Earthworm Jim. You'll be missed. Oh yeah, and I know I have a theme going with opening intro but I couldn't find it... and it's late... and I'm running out of steam. Also I have to pee. So go out and buy the fucking DVD. I'm not your whore.

Freakazoid!
Last up is Freakazoid!, a series created by Steven Spielberg, and Bruce Timm and Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series fame. Freakazoid was an insane superhero whose alter ego was a geeky 16-year-old named Dexter Douglas. Dexter gained superpowers from a computer bug and got strength, speed, and agility for some reason... Hell, I just get porn pop-ups.

While a spinoff from the hugely successful Animaniacs and Pinky & the Brain, Freakazoid! was also competing against them. Despite running for two seasons, Freakazoid! struggled with ratings until far later on when it became a cult hit. I loved it. I still do. But only because of its glaring similarities with Mike Allred's comic book, Madman... who was an insane superhero with a shockingly similar costume and chest insignia. And who I also love.

Yay plagiarism!

Oh right, and just so I can cap this off, here's Freakazoid!'s intro.

Smooth Operator Ken

2011-02-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

As you all know (pfft, as if...), the 2011 New York Toy Fair kicks off on Sunday. Each year the Toy Fair invites all major American toy companies to come and showcase their wares for the upcoming year.

Naturally, I'm shitting myself and glued to nerdy toy websites for pictures. However, some press releases have been released a few days early. The one that piqued my interest was Mattel, makers of DC Universe, Masters of the Universe, and Barbie.

The toy giant already released one image from their 2011 Barbie line. He's called "Sweet Talkin' Ken". Their write up is:

Now girls of all ages can have the ultimate boyfriend for every occasion with Sweet Talkin’ Ken™. Featuring a built-in microphone, Sweet Talkin’ Ken™ records up to five seconds of sound, allowing girls to record playful phrases and play the message back in three different voices, including “Ken’s” voice.

I can't tell you how bad I want to abuse this! I could recreate so many awesome scenes from Maury or Springer, all with Ken's likeness and voice!

I've compiled a few options that Sweet Talkin' Ken could say that would really appeal to girls:

"I promise to stay after the baby's born."
"I'd never pee in the shower."
"You're more beautiful than your sister."
"Did you get less fat?"
"I'd never ask to stick it in your ass."

Yup, I'm sold.

Did You Know...?

2011-02-02T17:59:00.001-08:00

... that actor Earle Hyman who played Russell "Grandpa" Huxtable on the Cosby Show was also the voice of Panthro on ThunderCats?

It's true!

And now you know...

She-Ra: Princess of Kick Ass

2011-01-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

Being a remarkably stupid child, I watched She-Ra: Princess of Power based on the merit that her brother was He-Man alone. I mean sure, she ran around with a bunch of dumb bimbos and fought evil with feelings and good intentions but she was He-Man's sister. Duh, no brainer.

However, since watching the show again as an adult (physically speaking anyway), I've noticed how it had a lot more adult themes and was, well, kinda bad ass.

Origins
The show's premise even starts off on a dark note. In classic fairy tale fashion, Hordak, leader of the Evil Horde, attempted to kidnap King Randor and Queen Marlena's twin children. The son, Adam, was saved but Hordak managed steal away the princess, Adora.

Adam of course grew up to become He-Man but Adora was raised by Hordak, trained to become a Force Captain in his army and brainwashed to be unaware of the atrocities the Horde had inflicted on Etheria. It wasn't until He-Man brought Adora her Sword of Protection and she learned of her destiny to become She-Ra that she escaped from the Horde.

Environmentalism
Where Etheria was shown to be healthy, forested planet, the Horde's arrival transformed the countryside into an industrial wasteland. The Horde capitol, the Fright Zone, sat in a now dead valley, dripping with oil and scarred with technology. The only safe haven on Etheria was the Whispering Woods, home of Castle Brightmoon and the fledgling Great Rebellion. But even the Rebels had to leave the safety of the woods to witness how their lands were being plundered for the betterment of the Horde.

Slavery
Where He-Man and his pals tried to protect Eternia from bumbling villains, She-Ra was fighting a losing war. Not only were Etheria's resources being stripped, but the people themselves were rounded up and turned into slaves. One reason the show was so female-heavy was that the monarchs of all the kingdoms had originally tried to fight off the first Horde invasion, only to die or even become slaves themselves, much like Queen Angella's husband.

Horde Prime
Hordak was one bad motha, no question... but he was also another comedic villain in the same vein as Skeletor. However, Hordak was still just a cog in the greater scheme. Hordak may have ruled Etheria, but the Horde Empire as a whole was ruled by his older brother, Horde Prime. We never really saw what he looked like, usually hidden by some sweet green mist, but what we did see what a massive claw that still freaks the shit out of me to this day.

Hot Chicks
Okay sure, He-man had a host of hotties. Hell, even Queen Marlena was a total MILF. But She-Ra and her pals were all smokin' hot! Glimmer, Queen Angella, Mermista, and especially Frosta might not be great in a fight but they could disarm any man with their perky asses. Not only that, they often liked to hug, teet-to-teet. Just sayin'.

While the packaging was decidedly Barbie-meets-He-Man, featuring gals in miniskirts and hooker boots, the themes of the show betrayed all the pink fluff to some pretty hardcore ideas.

For the honor of Grayskull

Top Five Crappiest He-Man Action Figures

2011-01-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

Far be it for me to disparage the original and epic Masters of the Universe action figure line but despite some gold nuggets there were plenty of brown turds too.

5. Two Bad, Double-Headed Evil Strategist
Skeletor was no fool, he just acted that way. He surrounded himself with some pretty bad ass mo fos in his fast army of minions. Until his bad ass streak ended with Two Bad.

A two headed "strategist," Two Bad had a difficult time agreeing on anything, bickering amongst themselves. Er, self? Anyway, aside from that bit of annoying trivia, the toy itself came with spring loaded fists of fury! Unfortunately, the fists would just end up smacking the adjacent head in the face. A nice hats off to their literal split personality but useless when you wanted to smack Teela like a bitch.

4. Rokkon & Stonedar - Young Heroic Comet Warrior and Heroic Leader of the Rock People
Rokkon and Stonedar had semi-fun gimmicks whose novelty wore off about five minutes after you cracked them out of their package.

Y'know what? Since they're so boring, I'm going to use this opportunity to segue into something else: the packaging. Ripping those He-Man figures out of their package was the closest thing I felt to an orgasm before I accidentally discovered that particular vice in my teens. Ripping open the flimsy casing, the smell of the fresh (and likely toxic) plastic, ahhhh... it was sheer bliss.

Oh yeah, these two... the thing is, Mattel tried to capitalize on Transformers... only nowhere near as sexy. You basically just bend them over and they vaguely look like rocks. Unless their enemies where at the bottom of a steep hill and didn't just step away from the Rock People's trajectory, they weren't much of a threat. Otherwise, they just sat there collecting moss. Fail.

3. Snout Spout - Heroic Water-Blasting Firefighter
This guy was so lame that his only cartoon appearance was once on She-Ra, Princess of Power and briefly again in the ill-conceived He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, shown putting a star on top of the tree with his trunk. Way to take one for the team, Cock Face.

I mean sure, Eternia probably needed a firefighter. And I'm sure whenever Skeletor or Hordak or King Hiss attacked there was lots of collateral damage. But when you're trying to stand tall next to bulging muscle men with big swords and bigger guns, your ability to shoot a sad stream of water from your nose falls short.

2. Blast-Attack - Evil Blast-Apart Robotic Warrior
A later addition to the Evil Horde, Blast-Attack was probably dreamed up in a marketing meeting to be a human bomb. The realization was far more depressing.

When you'd shove one end of a spring-loaded tube in Blast-Attack's back, you'd press the plunger on the other end and he'd "explode!" Well, he'd actually split in two. Literally. From crotch to neck, blam, right in two. And then he'd sadly and clumsily fall on the ground. How the Horde thought this could defeat She-Ra escapes me. But when you're fighting ditzy bimbos dressed in tutus, it's not like you're fighting an uphill battle.

1. Mekaneck - Heroic Human Periscope
And here we have the big stinker. And I don't mean Stinkor. He was rad.

Mekaneck was in the second wave of the Masters of the Universe line as a heroic counterpart to Skeletor's spy, Tri-Klops. But where Tri-Klops had three different sets of eyes (hence the name, duh), each of which could look around objects or fire frickin' laser beams, poor Mekaneck could...? Raise his neck.

That's right, kids! With a twist of his waist Mekaneck's neck would raise an astonishing two inches! Sure he could look over objects but with his silver glasses and pointy red helmet, it's not like he wouldn't be noticed a mile away. Clearly he never attended the Upstairs Academy of Espionage and Dental Hygenistry.

And there you have it. Maybe someday I'll do a top five best of MOTU or even She-Ra... but yeah, these twat nachos have left a bad taste in my mouth.

Unless, of course, I could smell that fresh plastic again... oh yeah... I need a towel.

Remembering B:TAS

2010-12-27T07:18:00.000-08:00

Teletoon Retro recently ran a Retro Hall of Fame, asking fans for their pick of the top five favorite cartoon characters. Despite my multiple votes for Cheetara, she didn't make it in. Luckily, my vote for Batman came in at #4. As such, they've been running a Batman marathon all day today.

This got me nostalgic (well, more so than usual) for the classic Batman: The Animated Series and it's impact on the franchise. The series began in 1992 to coincide with the release of Batman Returns but instead of just being a glorified toy commercial, it redefined how we look at Bats, Robin, and all of their villains who had been previously played off as goofy and bumbling during Adam West's reign.

The most pronounced impact has to be the voice cast. To most fans Kevin Conroy is the voice of Batman. Christian Bale might be in the best Bat-flicks but his cancer voice doesn't hold a candle to Conroy. Similarly, Mark Hamil (yes, Luke Skywalker!) was one of the best intrerpretations of the Joker. He was maniacal, unpredictable, hilarious, and creepy. Although the rest of the voice cast was memorable, these two especially have been so synonymous with the characters, they continued playing them well past the original series, in Justice League spinoffs up to the more recent Batman: Arkham Asylum video games.

Introducing new villains in the Bat-verse is always problematic. Writers have a hard time competing with the classic Rogues. Batman: The Animated Series bucked this trend by creating Harley Quinn. Originally just a henchgirl of the Joker, Harley became so popular with fans, she began to be featured more prominently throughout the series and was soon introduced in comics books, even boasting her own solo series and currently starring alongside Catwoman and Poison Ivy in Gotham City Sirens.

She also put a very adult-oriented spin on the series as her comedy was balanced by the tragedy of a very clear and unsettling domestic violence angle. Despite being beaten up, humiliated, and left for dead by Joker, poor Harley always came to her Puddin' time and again. For a Saturday morning cartoon, it was pretty heart wrenching...

Speaking of fleshed-out characters, the series helped more than just Harley. If Batman's known for anything, it's his cast of villains, collectively known as the Rogues Gallery, each of whom were featured and expanded upon. Mr. Freeze went from ice-inspired criminal to grieving widower, the Riddler went from Joker ripoff to obsessive compulsive. Two Face went from two-bit crook (yeah, pun intended) to a fallen hero. These three dimensional upgrades were sorely lacking not only in the general media but the comic books they had been spun from themselves. In many cases, these new versions of the villains were transplanted into their comic book counterparts and are still the standard to this day.

Another impact from cartoon-to-comic book was the character designs and costumes. Each costume was originally drafted to look like the definitive version of the character. However, in season 4 of the series the look of the show became decidedly darker.

Gone was all the yellow highlights in Batman's costume and the new Robin, Tim Drake, also lost the garish green in favor of black. Most notable, however, was Poison Ivy. Originally a plant-inspired black widow, Ivy began to literally turn more into the foliage she loved so much with a greener hue to her skin and a toxic touch. All these changes soon found themselves introduced into the comic book lore with Ivy's new look (and less duds) unveiled in the epic 2002-2003 story arc, Batman: Hush.

It's difficult for me to admit that this series is now considered "retro" but it has been almost ten years since it debuted I suppose. That said, its impact is still felt today, creating new characters, characteristics, and designs that introduced the public to a darker and more realistic Batman than the general public had ever seen. This also paved the way for later Batman cartoons, comics, and a certain Oscar Award-winning movie along the way.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a Batman: The Animated Series marathon to get back to. I hope they play Almost Got 'Im!

Final Ch-ch-ch-ch-Christmas Chia Update

2010-12-13T17:28:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks so it's time for the final Chia Tree reveal!

Utilizing all my research on the proper methods of Chia Pet nurturing, I think I did a damn fine job. But I'm modest so the end result was actually more along the lines of the greatest horticultural exercise in history!

I suppose now I'm supposed to trim and, I dunno, sprinkle it on salads or put it along the sides of nice-looking dishes to make them look more classy.

Too bad I can't make nice-looking and classy dishes. Pizza toppings it is!

On the upside, Chia Pets that look this good are surely a chick magnet. Chicks dig Chia. It's like chest hair. Too bad I'm a 'mo.

Moral of this entire saga? Nothing really, I just got sucked in by the "As Seen on TV" sticker. If it's on TV, it has to be good right?

Right.

And it was.

Fin.

Playahs: The Next Generation

2010-12-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

While waiting for my Chia Tree to grow, I've been watching reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Yes, I hearted non-cartoon shows too! It's what makes me so complex and deep.

Although the Enterprise was chock full of horny explorers, one really takes the cake. Lt. Worf put on airs of honor and duty but he proved that players are replete in the distant future.

Worf's first conquest was a Human/Klingon ambassador named K'Ehleyr. Their courtship was like watching teenaged dogs try to beat each other up. So of course Worf proposed. Buuut was rejected.

The next time K'Ehleyr showed up, she arrived with a surprise: their illegitimate child, Alexander. This was Worf's first lesson as a player: deny the child and call her a whore. Maury Povich would be proud.

K'Ehleyr died soon after and so Worf, being the classy baby-daddy he is, sent his bastard son off to live with his grandparents.

That always turns out well...

Worf's next fling was with Deanna Troi, the ship's counsellor who was no stranger to fucking any and every alien who came on board, going so far as to even getting knocked up by an energy cloud.

Desperate much?

Making matters worse, Worf totally pulled a robbery since Will Riker, the Enterprise's first officer, was pawing at Troi's cookie jar for years!

Oh, and dating your therapist is also all kinds of wrong.

Worf eventually left the Enterprise and in a blatant ratings-grabber, joined the cast of Deep Space Nine. There he met Jadzia, a young science office who lived symbiotically with a centuries-old slug named Dax in her stomach. Combined together, Jadzia Dax was an old soul in a hot chick's bod who was all up in Worf's business.

The two eventually wed and planned to have a child but like his first love, she was murdered. Well, Jadzia was... the Dax symbiont survived and was transferred to a skittish counsellor named Ezri. Work and the now Ezri Dax had a brief fling before she graduated up to a doctor named Julian Bashir.

Despite his pattern of rejection, unethical screwing around with mental healthcare professionals, and a string of dead wives, Worf still managed to cram in some serious romance in over a decade of Star Trek spinoffs.

Not bad for a guy with a vagina for a forehead.

Chia Tree Update

2010-12-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

So I'm jumping the gun here but figured I'd share my disgusting Christmas Chia Tree progress.

Despite some bald spots and a plastic tray full of seeds that slid off the side of its terracotta slope, it's not looking too shabby.

The spread of black antimatter sperm have transformed into... little green sperm. Kinda gross but it has a lush herby aroma at least.

With one more week to optimal Chia-age, I've called on the sinister Sith arts to spark more life into this sad lil' pot and make it look a bit more festive.

"Unlimited POWERRRR!"

Ch-ch-ch-Christmas!

2010-11-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this article's title doesn't make sense but if you know your Chia Pets, you'll remember the commercial that could kick the Clapper's ass. And then give it the Clap. Zing.

Although I had once tried to make a Scooby-Doo Chia Pet, the results were both disgusting and disastrous and I ended up just chucking that nasty whore back in the gutter.

However, I found out that a "Chia Tree with Star Light" was available for the holidays and I had to try again, even just to prove to myself that I don't destroy everything I touch.

It comes with the standard fare... a completely unsexy plastic tray to rest the Chia Tree on, a package of chia seeds (enough to make three rounds if you're that industrious), and the real money shot: a terracotta planter shaped like cats, turtles, or (in this case) a Christmas tree!

Step one is to soak said planter for an hour. Since I royally fucked up last time, I decided to err on the side of overkill and soaked it for three days. Same diff.

Next you soak the seeds for an hour. This time I actually followed the instructions because even after an hour, it's so vile that I fear what could potentially happen if left alone to its own devices.

Since this is a holiday-themed Chia Pet, I tried to go in with brazen optimism. But if you see the seed soak with your own eyes, nothing, and I mean nothing will ever seem wholesome again. It's like a horrifying stew of tapioca, sperm, and dark matter.

Adding insult to injury, there's no easy way to slap this shit on so (you guessed it) ya just dive your hands right in.

At first it was unsettling. And when I say unsettling, I would probably rather murder my family and feast on their gooey innards. But eventually, once you get used to the slime seemingly seeping into your skin, it became relaxing... therapeutic even.

I haven't been this calm since I learned I was dying.

At last, I had smooshed the seeds all over the terracotta tree and now? The waiting game.

Oh yeah, and I forgot another selling feature of the Chia Tree. It comes with a waterproof (so I'm told) star you stick on the top. It abruptly changes colors and makes you believe in a higher power who loves you. Or something.

Also, because I now consider myself a Chia Pet aficianado, I can tell you that you should put a plastic bag over the tree to help it grow. No, I don't have a green thumb, I just read up a lot beforehand.

Back in two weeks with a lush, green update!

Gingers of the '90s

2010-11-15T18:15:00.001-08:00

Although I was of the highbrow opinion that the 1980s had the stranglehold on redheaded leading ladies, the '90s were no slouch either.

Easily the most popular (and stupidest) on this list is April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Although she's appeared in every incarnation of the Ninja Turtles before and after the '90s cartoon, this version is the most infamous.

The show's version of Lois Lane, April was a reporter for Channel 6 News and had a complete disregard for their "no tits hanging out of your Kill Bill-esque yellow jumpsuit" dress code. April talked tough but always seemed to get kidnapped by Shredder and Krang... and guess who had to bail her out every damn time?

Come to think of it, I think this was the premise of every Ninja Turtles video game I ever played. Bitch lived in New York, you'd figure she'd own a gun. Save yourself you useless twat, I'm saving my two remaining lives for beating up Bebop and Rocksteady.

My favorite gal from the '90s was the Real Ghostbusters' secretary, Janine Melnitz. With her blocky jewelry, miniskirts, Brooklyn accent, and ball-busting attitude, Janine kept the Ghostbusters in line (and busted a few ghosts herself).

That changed later in the series, however, when producers felt she was too abrasive and decided to redesign and recast poor Janine into a boring motherly hen. This type of pussy studio thinking was one of the reasons writer J. Michael Straczynksi left the show. Can't blame him.

Speaking of mother figures, Jean Grey from the hugely popular X-Men cartoon didn't see as much action as Storm or Rogue but was always in the wings, quietly boiling with power until she transformed into the godlike Phoenix.

Jean was also the resident player, with the likes of Cyclops and Wolverine lusting after her. The X-Men loved them some firecrotch, what can I say?

Before she went all bleach blond bimbo and changed her name to "Peach" there was Princess Toadstool from Super Mario Bros.

Despite being futt bugly in the first game, she redeemed herself in Super Mario Bros 2, getting a nose job and being the best character to play. She was also a prominent character in the '90s cartoon but, like April O'Neil, was largely a damsel-in-distress archetype.

At least I'm betting she put out every time she was rescued, ensuring plumber Mario never got "backed up."

Although royalty like Toadstool, Princess Sally Acorn from Sonic the Hedgehog was the leader of the Freedom Fighters, intent on retaking her kingdom from Dr. Robotnik.

The Sonic cartoon never fell into any video game continuity but I loved it all the same. And Sally was bad ass. Unlike her other contemporaries, she wasn't all talk. Smart, sexy, tough, sexy, scrappy, sexy... yeah, I was hot for an anthropomorphic squirrel. I could do worse.

In the same vein of animal love, Elmyra Duff from Tiny Toon Adventures took it way too far. Not in that creepy "dry hump a dolphin" kind of too far but "hugged to death" kind of too far. Actually, that sounds like it's in the same boat, huh?

Anyhoo, Elmyra was always on the hunt for cutesy wootsy Tiny Toons to hug and squeeze forever and ever and EVER! Usually until said animal wound up injured or dead. Comedic gold! It's no small wonder why someone didn't just call the SPCA on this crazy bitch.

And there you have it. Even though we all make fun of those ginger daywalkers, we somehow can't get enough of that redheaded muff.

ChippenDisney

2010-11-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

Disney cartoons are no stranger to interweb pervs painting the dainty and daring princesses in lesbian orgies but our Prince Charmings haven't had as many sordid affairs.

Luckily, David Kawena fixed this oversight on his deviantART page where he posed Aladdin, Tarzan, and jailbait boy wonder Peter Pan as Chippendale dancers.

I'm sure Uncle Walt is rolling in his grave... er, frozen head tube... but I ain't complaining. I always had a bit of a crush on Aladdin (voiced by DJ Tanner's boyfriend on Full House who was also a lil' dreamy) so this is right up my creepy alley.

Enjoy!

TechnoTRONic

2010-10-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

Tron's awesome. Hell, even just saying the word "Tron" in everyday conversation is the cat's ass. Example:

Roommate: "Hey, did you take out the trash?"

Randy Andy: "Well, as Sark in Tron would say, "Acknowledged, Master Control'."

Damn rights.

So of course when Disney finally got to the long-awaited sequel, Tron: Legacy, I shat neon in my pants and started pining for lightcycles again.

The news got even better today when I found out that my fave French techno duo, Daft Punk, were doing the soundtrack.

Even though the soundtrack isn't released until December, their first track "Derezzed" is featured in this mash-up trailer with Flynn's son getting his pixelated ass beat and hot sprites dressing him down.

Enjoy!

Happily Ever Fatter

2010-10-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

I can let Disney get away with a lot. Blatant racism, Nazi love, that heinous bitch Daisy Duck... but beautiful and skinny jailbait princesses? Hellz no. Why Americans decide to depict their female characters as a size 4 is beyond me.

Luckily, Ally Bellissomo over at Creepy Miranda has remedied this problem and drawn up your favorite Disney princesses as they would appear in modern America: large and in charge.

Oh Belle, I'm betting the Beast would've chosen death over doing the horizontal monster mash with you. And Cinderella? The glass slipper might fit but I doubt Prince Charming was expecting that.

Visit Creepy Miranda to for more Disney chubby chasing.

Wiinappropriate

2010-10-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Safe sex has delved into even more disturbing and technologically-advanced lows.

Mojowijo has entered its beta testing this month with a Wii remote accessory that was just bound to take advantage of the vibration feature eventually.

According to their website, Mojowijo "transforms your Nintendo Wii remote control into a next generation body stimulation device. The premise is simple. The motions of one device are transformed into vibrations in the other. Literally allowing you to 'share the mojo' with anyone, anywhere in the world."

They also suggest that you can mojowijo with someone in the same room, over the internet, or if you can't even land a weird shut-in online, all by yourself!

I was going to try and concoct some cutesy, innocent rationale for owning this but it's pretty self-explanatory. Landing in stores for the holidays, you too can get your rocks off with the power of Wii.

Or at least get than kink out of your neck.

Cartoon Gender Bending

2010-08-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

Whether for cheap laughs or introducing children to sexual ambiguity, cartoons from all ages have blurred the gender lines time and again. Cross dressers, trannies, and everything in between are showcased on Saturday mornings and breeding curious and creeped out kids the world over.

The grandpappy of cross dressing hares is Bugs Bunny. During his original Looney Tunes run, Bugs went in drag to lure and befuddle Elmer Fudd an astonishing seven times! I guess Elmer had a thing for chicks with dicks and a lot of facial hair...

Pacman's success spawned a sequel arcade game that most agree was far superior to her male counterpart. But what made Ms. Pacman feminine you may ask? A bow. That's it. A friggin' bow! At least Minnie Mouse had a dress and eyelash extensions but Ms. Pacman's womanly wiles were constricted to a hairpiece.

Oddly enough, if you remove said hairpiece, BLAM, it's Pacman. Coincidence or classic case of closet case?

In a fan favorite episode of She-Ra, Princess of Power, a bounty hunter named Huntara is hired to kill our hapless heroine. Granted, she was pretty bad ass but with her gruff voice, broad shoulders, and red lipstick (no self-respecting woman would ever wear red lipstick), she raised some suspicions. Think WWE's Chyna. Only with violet skin. And with a smaller penis.

One of the stranger villains from Super Mario Bros. 2 was a pink dragon who wore a bow and spat out eggs. And no, not from her sniz, her mouth.

If anyone's ever actually read the user's guide that came with the game, you'll find this brief bio on "Ostro." It's... yeah... it's just... yeah. Sexually confusing.

Of course this trend is in present day cartoons as well. In The Venture Bros, a recurring joke is the sexual ambiguity of The Monarch's girlfriend, aptly named "Dr. Girlfriend."

Her homage to Jackie O goes right down to her gravelly voice (which is actually voice acted by a man). Throughout the series people have constantly questioned just how womanly she is even though she's left a string of villainous broken hearts in her midst. She must have something going on for her. If if it is a huge wiener.

Batman: The Brave & the Bold featured one odd villain, Babyface, but also his lady love Mrs. Manface. Mrs. Manface had, well, a man face, complete with square jaw and five o'clock shadow.

Luckily, their crime spree was short lived. When "she" asked Batman if he would hit a lady, he responded with "The hammer of justice is unisex." An odd term since I'm pretty convinced she's got her own hammer. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, cough, cough.

And there you have it. Creepy? A lil' bit. Funny? Hells yeah! And that's what matters to the kiddies in the end, isn't it?

How-To: The Batusi

2010-07-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

"No man can live on crimefighting alone." -Adam West, Batman

Although capes and cowls aren't known for their mad dance skills, Batman once bucked the trends with the dance craze known as the Batusi. Although it was just a pun on the Watusi from the 1960s, watching a pot-bellied Batman pull these moves surrounded by gogo girls is something no man, woman, or child should go without seeing.

You can watch a clip here buuuuuut if it seems too complicated, I've compiled a handy how-to guide.

First take your index finger and middle finger and make a peace sign. Then turn your hands with the fingers still in place so that the front of your hand is facing your face. Now draw the positioned fingers on the right hand across your eyes, with the eyes in between the positioned fingers. This should be done with the left hand at the same time as the right hand is doing it (see picture above).
Now shake your ass a bit. Oh, and do some other weird shit with your arms while shaking said ass. Only for five (5) seconds, however. Otherwise you'll look douchetarded.
Suggestively rub your hands down your spandexed body until you reach mid-hips.
Lastly, grab both sides of your cape and twirl for another five (5) seconds. Oh yeah, you'll need a cape to do this... I shoulda mentioned that...

If you're still not comfortable with this, just bust out Beyonce's Shoulda Put a Ring on It and you'll safely remain the hero at any party.

You're welcome!

Save the Igloo!

2010-07-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

In my black heart, I have little interest in charities. Animals are delicious, disease is just population control, and sick kids ain't missing much.

But this fundraiser is near and dear to my heart. Fewer scenes in cinematic history have the punch that was shown in Star Wars when Luke Skywalker stormed out of his house on Tatooine to look out upon the two-sunned horizon, dreaming of adventure. Single tear.

Little did I know that the Lars Homestead was still standing in the middle of Tunisia; a monument to hopeful moisture farmers the galaxy over.

In fact, seventeen dorks calling themselves The Pioneers went on a crusade of sorts to find Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's simple farmhouse, only to find that it hasn't weathered the harsh Tunisian elements very well.

On his site, SaveTheIgloo.info, Mark Dermul writes:

"The Pioneers were able to see with their own eyes that the Lars Homestead - lovingly dubbed the Igloo - has suffered tremendously from the climate in Tunisia.

Soon this iconic movie location will perish and thus be lost to the Star Wars fans forever. We cannot allow that to happen.

Hence several Pioneers joined forces to start a Facebook group called 'Save the Lars Homestead' with only one goal: the full restoration of the Lars Homestead!

The plan is to go back, fully armed with the needed tools and plaster, with a small group of Pioneers for a full week sometime in 2011 or 2012 - depending on how fast we can get the funds together to make this happen.

That's where you come in! We need your support! There are several ways you can support this cause. Every bit helps, so don't hesitate and help us save the Lars Homestead."

Powerful words. Powerful... nerdy words.

Operators are standing by!

Gentlemen, Grab Your Joysticks!

2010-07-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, when washed up jailbait actresses and singers need to throw off the shackles of teendom and become women, they get half naked and do a slutty video or straight-to-video movie. From Britney to Miley to all the hoochies in between, showing your tits is apparently a coming-of-age ritual.

The barely-legal ladies of the eighties, however, had to do porn.

Alyssa Milano, Drew Barrymore, and Debbie ("That's Deborah!") Gibson all took the downward spiral to lewd infamy but little did I know that Ms. Pac-Man also made the plunge.

I just found this awesome article straight from a 2005 issue of Hustler. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) it's censored so you can't see the femme Pac-Man's goodie bits.

Talk about popping your cherry...

Follow Your Nose! To Bantha Poodoo it Goes!

2010-07-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

So, like, unless you've been living under a rock (or actually have a respectable social life), you're aware that the Star Wars Celebration V will be going down in August.

Naturally it's a cash cow. Nerds aplenty will screw around with plastic lightsabers and ejaculate prematurely at the sight of vintage Kenner toys but the real fun bit is always the swag you get exclusively at the convention.

Today StarWars.com announced a whopping sixteen different boxes of cereal featuring Star Wars characters and goofy plays on words y'all can pick up during the collecting panels at Celebration V. Each box has campy toy premium ads on the back and your typical nutritional information along the side.

In a word, these are just awesome... I can admit with little to no embarrassment that I'll be scouring eBay for the Hothsted Flakes come August.

Click on the pics below for a bigger view and if anyone comes across the other twelve boxes, lemme know!

Wondie Learns to Accessorize

2010-07-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I picked up Wonder Woman's milestone issue #600 which celebrated her seventy years in comics. For a gal who only puts out twelve issues a year, that ain't too shabby.

Issue #600 kicked off with the departure of the current writer, Gail Simone, who teamed up with with famed '80s penciller George Perez as an homage to her heyday back then. Amanda Connors had a cute story, there was some other filler, pin-ups, yada yada yada.

The issue was capped by the one thing that's caused the most stir, however: Diana's new Jim Lee-designed costume.

The star-spangled hip huggers are replaced by black tights with biker boots, a bomber jacket, and some pretty bad ass new bracelets. Girl finally learned to accessorize.

I'm on the fence. The costume lends itself to J. Michael Straczynki's new story direction (which I totally dig) but the jacket is pretty dated. If anyone's needed an upgrade, though, it was Wonder Woman.

That said, this wasn't exactly her first costume change. Since 1941, it has changed subtly dozens of times. Except in the '60s when she was a mod super spy and briefly in the '90s when she wore biker shorts and (again!) a stupid jacket, she's kept to her revealing American flag ensemble.

Will it last?

Hells no. DC Comics has had a long history of drastically changing up characters' looks as a marketing scheme, especially in the '90s when most of their roster of characters had wild n' weird upgrades.

From Superman turning into blue electricity to Batman suiting up in Japanese Manga armor, to Green Lantern being replaced by a graphic designer, the new costumes were met with raging fanboys and confused onlookers. Eventually, everything returned to the established status quo.

In the case of Wonder Woman, her new look and new story is pretty much geared to returning to her roots regardless. Her timeline was shifted by the Olympian gods so that her home was destroyed at a young age and now she's an urban street fighter, trying to rescue any surviving Amazons as well as returning her timeline to what it was.

More to the point, Wonder Woman doesn't make money off her comics, she rakes in the coin with licensing and products. Diana's one piece bathing suit and hooker boots are as synonymous with her look as Superman's S-shield, McDonald's golden arch, or Coke's red and white swirl. Every vinyl purse, pink t-shirt, and Happy Meal toy you see with her image reflects this look and the bottom dollar has kept it that way for the past seventy years. It will for the next seventy years too.

So while people might despise this new look, I say let it run its course and judge the woman by her character and bad ass new story instead of the duds she dons. She might just put her wondrous stamp with 21st century sensibilities yet.

Archie Goes Gay

2010-06-29T18:56:00.001-07:00

So apparently the Riverdale gang is getting a new addition to their white-washed gals and pals.

The September issue of Veronica will feature the story "Isn't it Bromantic?" that will introduce Kevin Keller, Archie's first openly gay character.

Blond haired, doe-eyed, a snappy dresser, and dumb as fuck, Kevin naturally has vapid windbag Veronica on his ass before he steps through the doors of Riverdale High.

Things get kooky when Jughead finds out that Kevin is gay and decides to screw with Veronica. Kevin tries to let her down easy, misunderstandings are abound, whacky hijinx ensue.

The really curious thing is that everyone's forgetting about Archie's still-in-the-closet friend, Jughead. For seventy years now, Jughead's been a steadfast girl-hater with a bitchy/scheming streak, and flamboyant hat.

Forget Kevin's misunderstands with Veronica; let's see him bag him some Jughead!

The jig's up, Jugs. Come to the Dark Side. Take the token 'mo with you.

Let's Get Physical

2010-06-21T19:01:00.001-07:00

Truly, the leotard's heyday was in the early 80's. Between overtly-erotic fitness videos and the general love of all things spandex, cartoons of the era weren't spared of the leotard's rising popularity. Certainly, these lovely leotarded ladies personify this fashion frenzy:

Although her fellow femme G.I. Joes preferred tomboyish military fatigues that also showed off their tits, Scarlett went for the more form-fitting leotard.

Known for her martial arts and banging the team's sergeant, Scarlett's attire was both functional for high kicks and keeping her man interested. Crafty lil' minx, ain't she?

Cheetara from Thundercats was also guilty of donning a sweet orange leotard with matching tights.

Despite pouring herself into a skin tight spandex cat suit (pun intended) she easily wore more clothes than all her male counterparts... who were also apparent fans of bare legs and junk hanging out.

That said, fewer animated vixens have been as sexy as Cheetara so who am I to complain?

For the men of Masters of the Universe, fuzzy underwear was the staple. For the ladies, however, leotards were all the rage on Eternian catwalks.

From Teela and Evil-Lyn's matching bathing suits that also framed their boobs nicely to the Sorceress' feathered number, He-Man's gal pals loved to show off some leg.

This trend even carried on to the sister show, She-Ra, Princess of Power. She-Ra herself managed to rock a savvy mini-skirt but her alter ego Adora and all her lesbian pals were stuck in an Olivia Newton-John music video.

Lastly, we've got the short-lived Visionaries' foray into leotards. Each character had an animal totem on their chest that they could transform into. While the men could turn into lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) the women were water-based. The evil Virulina could turn into a bad ass shark but her blond goodie-goodie nemesis Galadria turned into a dolphin. Yup. Useless twat.

These ladies took leotards to horrible new lows as they were armored metal that would clearly wreck havoc on their bikini zones. But if you're fighting a shark with nothing but a dolphin fin, maybe a bit of extra padding is in order...

And there you have it. Love 'em or loathe 'em, leotards were everywhere back in the day and our youths were full of these beloved ass-flossing, leg-showing, one-piece wonders!

Let's Go, Voltron Force!

2010-06-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

Whew, what a week!

Not long after news broke that ThunderCats are coming back to air waves and toy aisles, Mattel announced today that they have the master toy rights to another beloved '80s franchise, Voltron: Defender of the Universe!

Although most fans had hoped that Mattel would be awarded ThunderCats given their fantastic sculpts for their Masters of the Universe Classics and DC Universe Classics lines, I'll take Voltron as a consolation prize.

For you sloven yard apes who don't know Voltron, it was an American show that was the adaptation of two Japanese shows. The show featured a team of five young pilots commanding five robot lions. In each episode, the five lions would get their asses handed to them by the evil King Zarkon until they'd form a giant robot called Voltron who would always save the day with his wicked bad ass sword.

Why these punks never just charged in with Voltron right off the bat enraged and befuddled me every time. But I digress.

Each pilot had a uniform whose color (sometimes) matched their respective lion. This sound familiar yet?

Keith had the Black Lion/chest and head (but wore red), Lance had the Red Lion/right arm (but wore blue), Pidge had the Green Lion/left arm, Hunk was the Yellow Lion/left leg, and Princess Allura piloted the Blue Lion... even though she wears pink... Cuz girls can't wear anything but pink.

So yeah, if you're talking smack and screaming "this is Power Rangers, nyyyah!!" It's not! Shut it! It's better! AND was first! Also they're cats instead of dinos. Worlds of difference.

I'm also pretty sure there were whacks of combing robots with matchy-matchy costumes in Japanese animation before Voltron... but I don't really care enough to find out.

Anyhoo, naturally there will be an new animated series in 2011 to coincide with the new toys' release called Voltron Force. Like with ThunderCats, I'm worried it'll suck moose balls but I remain optimistic and ready to Tivo that bitch as soon as it comes on.

As the growing darkness of '90s nostalgia closes in around me, I'm pretty happy to see old '80s shows coming back with a vengeance. With Masters of the Universe, ThunderCats, and now Voltron, it's a great time to be a nostalgic nerd.

Although it'd be a MUCH better time to be a nostalgic nerd with money to burn...

"Form Blazing Sword!"

ThunderCats, Herrooo!

2010-06-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was announced that my beloved ThunderCats would return to the airwaves in 2011!

The Cartoon Network with Japanese animation Studio4c (The Animatrix and Batman: Gothan Knights) will reintroduce us to Lion-O, Cheetara, Panthro, Tygra and the rest of those fearsome felines, only redesigned with a darker Anime look.

Although only a teaser poster was revealed, the studio described the story as...

"... a sweeping tale combining swords and science and boasting ferocious battles with the highest of stakes."

And added that it will include...

"... the the grand origin story of Prince Lion-O's ascension to the throne - and of those who would thwart his destiny at any cost."

The producers suggested that the characters will be redesigned to be more akin to the cat of their respective namesake... whatever the Hell that means. Those freaky backwards knees? Creepy groaning sounds when they're in heat? Being general assholes?

Only a few hours afterwards, it was also announced that Bandai America would be releasing the corresponding toys. 'Cuz, y'know, you can't have an '80s cartoon redone without it posing as an expensive, half hour toy commercial.

I gotta say I'm pretty stoked. A new show to obsess over and new toys to bankrupt me. Sure, it's following that "let's make it gritty and Japanesey and uncomfortably over-sexed for a kids show" formula everyone's jumping on but it's about time we got an update.

Now if only Snarf is killed violently and explosively in the first scene, I'll be sold...

Adora Gets Her Due

2010-05-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

When toy giant Mattel decided to relaunch their Masters of the Universe line, they targeted the "adult collectors"... meaning hopeless nerds who smell like cheese and desperation and also happened to be kids in the '80s when the original line was big.

To cut out the retail middle man, they sold each action figure exclusively on MattyCollector.com and hired the renowned Four Horsemen to sculpt the designs with a retro look but modern sensibilities. They also wrote each character's bios to marry elements from the original line, concept art, and each television series: Masters of the Universe, Princess of Power, New Adventures of He-Man, and the 2002 remake.

With just one released per month and a limited run, each figure sold out within hours and proved to be a huge success. However, while most of the major players of the Masters of the Universe line were represented, fans salivated over the promise of spin-off characters.

They were surprised when the first Princess of Power action figure was revealed to be He-Man's twin sister and She-Ra's alter ego, Adora.

Although she was one of the most-requested characters that had never been made, Mattel ranted to the high hills that they didn't have the license to use designs or characters from the classic Filmation TV shows. That meant no Lizard Man, no Shadow Weaver, no Adora.

Since Princess Adora in her evil Horde uniform had appeared in Mattel's own mini-comics they packaged with the original toys, however, they jumped through that legal loophole and here we are today.

Although they're super poseable, come with whacks of accessories, and are sexy as hell (to me anyway), I was hesitant to jump on the new line. Each action figure carried a hefty pricetag and would most likely prove to be like crack-cocaine to me: one hit and I'm hooked.

That said, I figured I'd give it a whirl and since Adora here was never made (and I got a good deal to boot), I figured she'd be my gateway figure.

I gotta say, I'm kinda in lurv with her. She comes with She-Ra's Sword of Protection that, again, looks more like the cartoon than the original toyline's frilly/girly affair. Since she was stolen at birth and raised by the villainous Hordak, she wears his Force Captain uniform and brandishes a spiffy laser gun.

Her package even includes a bio that explains her deal. After being freed from the Horde by He-Man, she is given her sword that transforms her in to She-Ra, the most powerful woman in the universe (and who is also an avid fan of Jessica Simpson hair extensions).

Adora kept the clothes but switched allegiance, becoming a leader in the Great Rebellion to free Etheria from Horde invaders. In keeping with the bios' promise of slowly unveiling a greater story, Adora and the soon-to-be-released She-Ra's bios suggest that members of the Great Rebellion later went on to joining forces with the Masters of the Universe in some mega-battle against Skeletor or Hordak or whoever the baddie of the week is.

In short, me likey. A lot. And I think I'm going to go broke buying these from now on.

So, given my penchant for celebrating birthdays, Christmas, and general cries for help, if anyone wants to buy me some of these toys, cart yer arses over to eBay and hook a brother up!

"For the honour of Grayskull!"

Emo before their time

2010-05-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

It's time for another poll!

This one reaches deep into the pit of my dark and icky soul, like a lone crow picking at the shredded meat of my disdain for.... society... and... something.

I was never good at Gothic analogies.

This round asks who's more emo: Teen Titans' tortured and forlorn Raven or Beetlejuice's jailbait sidekick Lydia Deetz?

YOU decide!

It's a Slap!

2010-05-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

Gather 'round the warming glow of the computer screen, kids; it's time for a trip down memory lane with an underhanded moral at the end of the story shamelessly snuck in.

I first fell in love with Star Wars when I was just three or four years old (yes, I do have a wicked memory from back then). I was completely obsessed so my folks started buying me whacks of the vintage Kenner action figures shortly after, including those from the upcoming Return of the Jedi.

Since I had all these colorful new characters but no movie-based story to ground them in back stories, I had a few months of making my own adventures, dammit!

Now despite his questionable and cowardly military tactics, Admiral Ackbar has remained one of the most popular secondary characters from the films for his infamous and often lampooned "It's a trap!" line.

Also he was a giant fish dude in white threads. Rad.

When Ma first gave him to me, I fell in lurv. But, being four years old and remarkably stupid, I figured that since he was different, he was evil. So in the epic battles played out on the rec room carpet, poor Admiral Ackbar was one of Darth Vader's minions, usually taking pot shots at Han Solo.

It wasn't until I saw the movie that I realized that my fine fishy fiend wasn't just one of the good guys but the commander of the Rebel fleet.

How could I have been so racist?! Just because he had flipper hands and yellow eyes, it didn't mean that he was evil. If anything, it was the Empire who were douchebags, only hiring British white dudes.

So stand tall among your Rebel brethren at last, Admiral! I learned a valuable lesson that day many years ago and one I'll never forget.